6/17/11 - Laughter, Promises & Food from Friends...

Several people have commented to me on the blog, on facebook & in person - that they are amazed about my ability to laugh & see humor in situations, when I am going through this tough time in my life. I am amazed that this surprises them...I guess because most of the time ~ I forget my circumstances. That is only through God's grace, I know.  ~ I am not my disease...(I heard that phrase on a TV drama a couple of weeks ago). But it's true...I could be my disease, but I choose not to. It really is just something I'm going through, right now, at this time in my life. It is not me. I know my strength comes from God, family & friends. And because of that strength - I can laugh at funny situations in life or when I'm feeling good, whatever...

Proof of that...today God showed me yet again...

"Learn to laugh at yourself more freely. Don't take yourself or your circumstances so seriously. Relax and know that I am God with you. When you desire My will above all else, life becomes much less threatening. Stop trying to monitor My responsibilities - things that are beyond your control. Find freedom by accepting the boundaries of your domain.

Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places. Your laughter rises to Heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise. Just as parents delight  in the laughter of their children, so I delight in hearing My children laugh. I rejoice when you trust Me enough to enjoy your life lightheartedly." (Jesus Calling)

Isn't that good?? I love that!

I will remember that when my hair falls out (if it does - nothing happening yet) and will post those pictures on the blog, too. Who knows ~ I may look good with that Telly Savalas look!

Here's a Bible verse from today:

"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength."  Proverbs 17:22

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For the last week, since I have been feeling pretty good...I have not been seeing as many things that I thought were relevant to my situation or my circumstances - in my quiet time. I thought maybe I was missing something that God was trying to show me, but I just wasn't getting the "word" like I had been in the previous weeks. I felt like I was just "coasting" - waiting for the next treatment & the next bout of feeling bad...that maybe before, I was reading things into the passages, the messages - things that weren't really there, I was just bending them to my situation & making them "my own". I had been doing my quiet time every day, but it just didn't feel like it was ever for me. Maybe I misunderstood the message, maybe I just made it up in my head...the promise, the word He was giving me about my future...In others words...I was beginning to doubt.

But then also this morning I read this:

"As you come to the edge of the promise God has given you, you may be overwhelmed with the work ahead or the things that remain unknown. But God brought you to this point and He will not forget what He promised you. You will succeed.  Today, praise Him that He remembers the promise and will be with you every step of the way to achieving it." (Moments of Peace for the Morning)

"The Lord God will have mercy - he won't destroy you or desert you. The Lord will remember His promise." Deuteronomy 4:31

Still amazed  ~ every day ~ by His word to me.

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The last part of this post is about friends...so many friends have sent cards, brought gifts, brought meals and they are still coming. I am overwhelmed with thankfulness, joy & gratitude for all the blessings from the hearts of my friends & family for both Steve & me. We are truly thankful for everyone's gestures of love that you all are giving to us & it is always more than we expect...

Our friend Karen called yesterday & said she was bringing pulled pork for our dinner...yum...I figured that it would arrive in a re-cycled butter tub or other throw-away container with maybe a package of buns (that's probably what I would have brought)  just because that would be the easiest & we could make sandwiches or have it with other things as a main dish... But Karen showed up with a HUGE basket - a large portion of pulled pork (enough for several meals), buns, bottle of Rib Crib BBQ sauce, can of green beans, large container of potato salad, cute red & white polka dot napkins, a container of strawberries, an angel food cake loaf & whip cream, two magazines & a card!! 

Over the past week or so, we have gotten a lot of meals like that..meat loaf, mashed potatoes and fresh fruit, Mexican casserole & strawberry cake, chicken enchiladas, Chinese chicken salad & fresh fruit... Always more than I expect...always wonderful...always from dear friends & family...always a blessing!! Thank you cards are going out to everyone, but on this public forum, I just want to say thank you to everyone...for meals, for cards, for gifts, for phone calls...for keeping us in your prayers & for your friendships...We are blessed beyond words!!

6/14/11 - Birthdays and Babies...

Sunday, June 12th was a good day. A really good day. For me ~ physically, I felt good. The first time since chemo a week and a half ago, I felt pretty normal...no real aches or pains. A good day.

The two main reasons that it was such a good day, though ~ Christopher & Brittany brought our little Emma to visit for the weekend & she got to come to our church for the first time ~ for me to show her off. And the second reason ~ it was Sara's 25th birthday. 

Emma was a month old on Sunday ~ Sara's birthday.

We sat in the back of the church on the back pew - in case Brittany had to make a "diaper change run" or a "mid-morning feeding run". Of course, from the time they walked in to the church with Emma, she did not leave my arms. :)

As I sat in the back holding this precious granddaughter of mine, I realized that 25 years ago (minus a month)  ~ I had sat in that very pew, holding my new 1 month old daughter. Wow! What a full circle moment for me.

Time has flown - these 25 years...births, weddings, high school & college graduations, loss of loved ones & friends ~ time has moved on. I am a stronger, more centered person now than I was then, I think, and I hope that reflects to others.

God has given me so many blessings and I can't help but wonder about all those that are not as blessed as I am. How do they manage a life that is not filled with God, family and friends? I can't imagine how I could have made it through any of the things that have come my way without those 3 things in my life.

Bad, dark times ~ it is wonderful to have Christ to lean on, but also to have family & friends to share those times with. Even the good times are dimmed, if you have no one to share them with.

So .. "Happy 25th Birthday" to Sara and "Happy 1 Month Birthday" to Emma. May you both have many, many more birthdays and may I be around to celebrate them with you. You both make my life complete.

Without you two and the rest of my family & friends - I would be half a person.

God has blessed me with so much & I never take that for granted.

"Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the aged; parents are the pride of their children." Proverbs 17:6

6/10/11 - To Soar as Eagles...

Today is my "down" day. The day my immune system is at it's lowest. I don't feel too bad physically, in fact, better than I have felt since all the pain started last Friday...but I know my body is fighting a battle inside, where I can't see, places that I can't touch.

But there is One that is touching those places and fighting that battle for me...

 Quiet time today:

"The Lord...does not become tired or need to rest. No one can understand how great His wisdom is. He gives strength to those who are tired and more power to those who are weak." Isaiah 40:28-29

"Take heart today that God never grows tired or weary. He promises to renew your strength when you wait upon Him. And like the powerful, majestic eagle, He will lift you high above the obstacles of earth ~ and you will soar." (Moments of Peace for the Morning)

"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

I am continually amazed & in awe of the connection of my daily devotions and Bible verses, to what is relevant in my life on that day. You would think that for as many of these "WOW" moments I seen since this started ~ that I would not be surprised when God gives me exactly what I need for that day...But day after day, I am amazed... Partly that it is always so personal to me, but mostly that God cares so much for me, He gives me the precise message for my life on any given day.

Today & tomorrow, I will try to conserve my energy & strength, because my baby girl is coming this weekend!! My sweet Emma (and her parents, of course... I will be happy to see them, too... :) ... 

but my Emma is coming!! I have not seen her for a couple of weeks & she will be going to church with us on Sunday, to be introduced to all of our friends. She is part of the reason that I push forward each day, whether I feel like it or not...to see her grow up in a Godly home with Godly parents to guide her. I am anxious to see what the future holds for her. I plan to be around for all the events in her life & with God's help, strength & direction that will be possible.

6/6/11 - Seek My Face...

Today is not a good day for me. I thought that I would avoid all the nausea that everyone talks about - haven't really had a problem with that since I had the 1st treatment 6 days ago...but today it finally came. I have two different kinds of pills to take, but so far they are not helping much. It's not the worst case I've ever had in my life, certainly, but I was really so hoping that I would be able to avoid it completely.

But I will push through this, too & maybe tomorrow will be a better day, physically.

I did do my quiet time this morning & in the middle of my suffering :( - God showed me new things.

If you read the post from yesterday about the sermon from Pastor Ben, then this devotion page today from "Jesus Calling", is even more amazing, in the timing of it. Here is what it says:

"Seek my Face, and you will find fulfillment of your deepest longings. My world is filled with beautiful things; they are meant to be pointers to Me, reminders of My abiding Presence. The earth still declares My Glory to those that have eyes to see and ears to hear.

You had a darkened mind before you sought me wholeheartedly. I chose to pour My Light into you, so that you can be a beacon to others. There is no room for pride in this position. Your part is to reflect My Glory. I am the Lord!"

and one of the Bible verses today:

"Search for the Lord and for His strength, and keep on searching." Psalm 105:4

I did have a darkened mind - filled with death & doom before I started on this path to reach for God & His grace every day during my quiet time & all through each day. He has started to pour His light into me, hopefully so that I can be a beacon to others with my words & my thoughts (and a mirror - like the message from yesterday). There is no room for pride - none of the words or thoughts that I put on these posts from my spiritual side- are from me - they are all sent directly from God through His word. I only write them to show how they affect my life & my day... And "your part is to reflect My Glory" (like a mirror).

Amazing...

I thought of my world being filled with beautiful things - like the passage above says. There are so many...I wrote some of them down - so when I do have a really bad day, I can look at these & see that they are meant to be pointers to God ~

The dawn...

an Oklahoma sunset...

a rainbow, a bird,

a delicate butterfly...

A beautiful flower...

Tree leaves blowing in an Oklahoma wind...

An angel statue in a snow storm...

The face of a friend...

clouds... 

the ocean...

the sweetness of a sleeping grandchild...

Each day as I struggle through the hardest times of this journey, I will keep my focus on all the beautiful things that God has given me, has given all of us. I will not take any of these moments for granted or hope that they end more quickly than they need to...because through this journey I am beginning to find my purpose & am learning what God has in store for me as I walk closer & closer to Him each day.

6/5/11 - Sweet Sunday...

A sweet Sunday at church today. Wasn't sure if I would make it...the last two days have been pretty bad, but thought I needed to try - knew I would feel better if I could go & worship through prayer & singing. Our Gospel Ensemble sang - I was very happy that the other soprano showed up (even though a few minutes late) - Thanks, Kimberly for coming to my aid! - wasn't at all sure I could have pull of the high notes without her beautiful voice to pull me through! My voice & body were not in top form today.

I feel better than yesterday & certainly better than the day before, but still not close to Wednesday or Thursday, but hopefully each day will be better. Today the pain is mostly in my jaws, since that's where the biggest lymphomas are, I guess that would make sense that the Chemo is working the hardest in those places. So it is taking a few days longer for those to feel better. But that is also a good thing...because if it's hurting there, it must be doing it's job! Right? Way to go Chemo Drugs!! :)

I really am so glad I went to church this morning, even though what normally is a one hour process, took me about 2 1/4 hours! Moving a little slow. Saw friends & heard an awesome message from Pastor Ben about the unlikely people in the Bible that God uses for extraordinary things. Today the sermon was about Noah & how God used him. 

Here was the basic idea: again apologies to Ben, if I paraphrase:

"Noah believed the words of God and he obeyed. This is the reason God used him. The prayer for us is not use me, but make me usable. It comes down to trust - putting our faith in Jesus. Faith is resting your whole weight on God." - (A wonderful idea) - "To walk with Him, Trust Him, Act upon what He says. "

Here's one of the the "ah-ha moments" for the day - "I've got nothing to give Him but my entire life. He doesn't need what I have to offer - I need what He has to offer!!

And here's the other "ah-ha" moment - "People will point to you, your life, what you are going through, how you handle it - but you will be a mirror of God."

This "walk" that I'm taking through all of this is BIG & sometimes overwhelming - financially, spiritually, physically-certainly, but all the calmness & peace & joy & thankfulness & faith that I have now & am acquiring through this, is only a reflection of what God is giving me. None of these feelings could be possible without His help. I am just a mirror of God's healing power, His peace, His goodness, His grace.

This is the reason I drug myself out of bed this morning & worked for 2 1/4 hours to get the place where I was presentable...to have these words above renewed in me again today. You think you're doing pretty well, that you are "getting it together", but we all really need to "re-fill" every day - all the things that God shows us & teaches us.

I was and am in pain, I was and am so tired...but it has been a good day to be alive.

6/4/11 - 4th Day after Chemo...

"Welcome challenging times as opportunities to trust Me. You have Me beside you and My Spirit within  you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle. When the path before you is dotted with difficulties, beware of measuring  your strength against those challenges. That calculation is certain to riddle you with anxiety. Without Me, you wouldn't make it past the first hurdle!

The way to walk through demanding days is to grip My hand tightly and stay in close communication with me. Let your thoughts and spoken words be richly flavored with trust and thankfulness. Regardless of the day's problems, I can keep you in perfect Peace as you stay close to Me." (Jesus Calling)

Morning reading during my quiet time. It's still amazing to me that everyday - I get exactly what I need from the words that I read. I am still floored by the fact that my whole life has been leading up to these challenging days & that God still has these verses ready for me on the very days I need to hear them...Amazing!

Today is not as bad as yesterday, but today my actual bones ache - not the joints - my bones- the full length of each bone in my arms, across my chest and my jaws... I'm told that is the Chemo, going where it needs to go, so for that, I'm grateful. I feel like I'm coming "out" of a really bad case of the flu, so maybe tomorrow will be better still.

My sweet niece brought food for us today. (Steve has to work late - so he will get to eat it when he comes home tonight). I will be eating mine for an early dinner! Chinese Chicken Salad and all kinds of fresh fruit. YUM! Thank you Shelly for your sweet gift! You're the best!

So wonderful to have food that I don't have to worry about, when I am not really up to making anything! My appetite still hasn't changed - not more hungry (from the steroids), not less hungry (from the Chemo) and I don't have any nausea (thank you, Lord!).

I am thankful today that I am feeling a tiny bit better, only pain in a different way today. But that I am making it through another day & closer to my goal of being a healthy human being again! God is walking me through each day, each hour, each minute & I am so thankful that I have my faith to lean on & my verses like the one above to read each day!

God is good & He is caring for me, through His word, through friends prayers, through gifts of food & many thoughts for us each day. I am a very blessed woman.

6/3/11 - Chemo Day & after...

Wednesday 6/1/11 - First Chemo treatment this morning at 10:00 AM. 

In my nice comfy "Lazy Boy" lounger

I was a a little nervous of the unknown, but had my sweet husband and daughter beside me.

Got started about 10:00 AM with 1st - 4 hour bag of chemo, which my sweet nurse got me started on -(had 3 different bags of chemo & other things through the day.) The needle in the top of my arm was a little painful, but the bag not only had the chemo, but also a straight shot of Benadryl - WOW - right to my blood stream.

This is after the Benadryl hit me - about 5 minutes into the treatment. (I decided to not put the picture on,  that Sara took, with me asleep with my mouth hanging open! )

I talked to Justin from my Chemo chair in Oklahoma City to his apartment in Los Angeles - via Sara's computer - the miracle of modern technology!

Sara also took a picture of me with hair, just in case it's not there is a few weeks! So we can all remember what it looked like!

The treatment went well, - long day though. We got there at 9:00 am for blood work, then went back to the Chemo room. Waited for blood work results and got started around 10:00. Finally got out of there are 3:45. Each hour or so, they pumped up the drip a little faster, to see how fast I could tolerate it. No problems, except the Benadryl pretty much knocked me out for about 4 hours. I slept off & on, not too well...kind of like being in the hospital trying to sleep, with everybody's IV beepers going off & the staff coming over to change bags, etc.

They have lots of snacks there & we brought breakfast. Sara went & got lunch for us. So except for being hooked up to an IV all day, it was an uneventful day. Thank you Lord! When we were finished & went home...I took a 30 minute nap & then we went to church for dinner & choir practice. I was still a little unsteady on my feet from the Benadryl, but did not have any side effects from the chemo. No nausea, no pain. Got home from church & rested for a couple of hours. Went to bed at 10:30 - really early for me.

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Thursday 6/2/11

Woke up at 5:30 am - had all my sleep in, I guess. Wide awake & feeling just fine, except for a headache that I guess was from the stress of yesterday. That persisted pretty much all day, even with the help of Tylenol. I also started on the steroid pills yesterday & today. (Two each day for 5 days from 1st day of Chemo). Dr. Parker said they would make me really hungry & really crabby to be around, but so far, no signs of that. I have my normal appetite, no "crabby" feeling, nothing seems to be effecting me in that way. Another good thing! Had plenty of energy & no signs of problems. Even made dinner.

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Friday 6/3/11 - today - not such a good day. Woke up around 5:30 am, with my whole body above my waist screaming in pain. Nerves, bones, muscles...I feel like a have a bad case of the flu. :(

This is not a good day! Hopefully this will pass & tomorrow will be better.  Maybe the steroids are finally kicking in or the chemo may just now be effecting me, but whatever it is, I hope it doesn't last long! Talked to the nurse today about some other questions I had & told her about how I was feeling - she said that was perfectly normal. So I will just have to push through this day & hope tomorrow is better. If this is what I have to go through to get healthy again, I can do this. Now that I am up & around - had a hot shower, ate breakfast, I am feeling a little better. Not quite so "achey".

Still got up to spend some "quiet time" with my devotion books & Bible and with God. Need a lot of help from Him today...

Here's one of the Bible verses for today:

"May the Lord of Peace, always give you His Peace, no matter what happens". 2 Thessalonians 3:16

ALSO - 

"Let trust and thankfulness stand guard, turning back fear before it can gain a foothold." (Jesus Calling)

I need that Peace today - to calm my body & my spirit. He will give me better days ahead & I have faith that this is what will happen. He is a God of healing & I trust and am thankful for the promises that He has given me so far. I know that even through all this - I will be closer to Him & be better able to tell others about what He has done for me, through this trial. We serve a Great God!!