9/21/11 - Day By Day...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

 

 

 

For those of you who read my post yesterday...here is the follow -up.

As I got ready to do my quiet time this morning, I began to pray that God would show me, direct me, give me the written words that I would be well again & that what I had been thinking all these months was not just me thinking it, but that it came from Him. In the middle of all this, I heard in my heart, in my head, these three words "Day by Day".

Ok... day by day...that is the answer that He is trying to show me. All of us only live "day by day" anyway. Even if I wasn't sick, I would still only live "day by day". Anything can happen to any of us, at any moment, to change our lives & our family's lives completely. We are not promised anything, but this moment, and sometimes not even that.

So I opened my devotion books to begin & here is a part of the devotion (Jesus Calling) for today:

 "Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can hear My still, small voice within you. I am speaking to you continually: words of Life...Peace...Love. Tune your heart to receive these messages of abundant blessing. Lay your requests before Me and wait in expectation."

These were the scriptures from the "Jesus Calling" book for today: (for the 1 Kings passage, I have added the verse before, too)

"Go out and stand before Me on the mountain", the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." - 1 Kings 19:11-12

and this scripture:

"Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Matthew 5:3

and if that was not enough for me - several weeks ago I happened upon these verses - I stuck a piece of paper at this place in my Bible & wrote on it ~ "Prayer - Song of Thankfulness for restored health.", intending to go back & reread it, once I was well.

It just so happened that the Bible reading for today - for Sept 21 ~ is the passage that has my little piece of paper in it ~ this poem - written by King Hezekiah, once he was restored to health by God - It is long, so I will not write it here, but please read it for yourself ~ Isaiah 38:9-20

I guess God spoke to me today...and gave me my answer.

I will take my life ~ with sickness, problems, good days & bad...day by day...and that's really all any of us can do, isn't it?

9/20/11 - The Battle...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

 

 

 

Since last Tuesday when I went for the Dr. Appt. & he told me the bad news that my white count is still down...I have had a battle raging inside my head & heart...

I really felt that God had given me a promise early on - that He would make me healthy again...but this week, my head & heart are battling with thoughts that I am getting sicker & that I will not be well. That maybe I "talked" myself into believing that I had a promise from God.

I want to believe that it is "the great deceiver" that is causing my doubts & fears...but I am only human & don't have a direct line to God & His thoughts, so I don't know.

I keep hoping that I will read something in my quiet time this week, that shows me directly/specifically that God is in control of this disease, of my disease and that the promise that I thought I had, is real.

It has been a battle everyday this week to keep my outlook up, bright & positive. This may be my hardest battle so far...

I know that none of us are promised any length of time here...that everyone is just living  - one day at a time...

But I am having a very difficult time this week focusing on the positives & not "living" in the valley of negativity.

I have no Bible scriptures to share this time...I am not looking for someone to "cheer me up" and show me that God is in control & that He has this. In my head & my heart...I know all this, but since we were pretty much running on course for the last 4 months, with only tiny "bumps" in the road - a week set back for chemo here, a day set back there...we were still on track...now we are 7 weeks out from last treatment & at least 2 more weeks until the next one (if then) and I am in limbo right now - waiting for insurance co. to ok the PET scan, to see what is causing my problems and don't know if those problems can be fixed, once they determine what they are...it is a stressful time for me.

I feel like I am losing energy every day. The smallest thing that I do around the house - exhausts me. I am starting to cough more...which concerns me. My immune system is at the lowest point that it has ever been & I am tired of fighting. 

With pretty much any other illness - diabetes, heart disease, breast cancer, most other cancers, if they are caught in time, there is something that can be done. Diabetes & heart disease - change your eating habits, exercise more, less stress, etc. etc. Most cancers - just cut them out & move on. But with this disease I have, there is nothing I can do - no pill to take, no change in habits, no operation...Just waiting.

I am not good at not being in charge of things! I want to control the environment around me. Doesn't always happen, but I like it that way, if I can. I can't fix this, I can't change anything to make it better & I certainly can't change things the way they are now.

When I was on schedule for the treatments, I at least felt like I was "kind of" in charge...I was doing something about this problem & it was working. Now we have hit this GIANT bump in the road (more like a boulder than a bump) and I am thrown into the world of not being in charge of anything!

I don't know what the results of the PET scan will show - if it is my spleen or my bone marrow - then that is the problem & it should have a solution...but this is unknown territory, something that Dr. Parker doesn't deal with often, I guess, so everything is out of my hands.

I know God is in control of everything...but Satan is causing me to doubt my recovery.

I am battling everyday.

Please, all of you - friends & family, please know that I know the "Biblical" answers to this situation that I am dealing with, but I started this blog to inform family & friends about what I was going through medically & emotionally and to just be able to put down my feelings.

Well, here they are today...bad day...bad week. 

I love you all, but I really didn't write this for advise, just wanted you all to know what I was dealing with this week & ask for your prayers that I will get through these feelings.

9/13/11 - Faith...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Doctor's visit today was not a good one. After the 3rd try in as many weeks for my white count to raise...it didn't. It did come up from 550 last week to 600 this week, but that is a long way from 1000.

So the game plan has changed. He wants me to have another PET scan to see what is going on - ASAP.  (Of course that involves THREE WEEKS of waiting for the ins. co (BLUE CROSS - in case anyone wants to know) to approve  the PET scan. She has me tentatively down for October 4 for the PET scan & October 5 to see the Dr. again.

Here is what he said...in my round about, not knowing medical terms, what I heard him say - way.

The good news - ALL my others vitals are perfect - my red blood count is right where it should be & all the other things that they check & check for - are perfect...no problems with anything except the white count. 

So this is what he is thinking- one of 3 things... 

1) my spleen is the problem,  that I AM actually making white cells, but my spleen is holding on to them, which makes it look like the count is down  

OR

2) my bone marrow is just very sensitive to the chemo drugs that I am taking & it is not letting the white cells do what they are suppose to do  

OR

3) my lymph nodes are clear and my body doesn't know what to do with the chemo that is there - that it has nothing to fight.

Of course, my choice is for Door #3, but somehow with my track record, I don't think that is the answer...no matter how much I wish it were.

So with the new PET scan, he will be able to tell what is going on in my body & know where to go from there.

If it is my spleen, depending on how enlarged or involved it is, he will change my chemo drugs to something new & hope that that will work. If it is very involved -  he said we might have to remove it.

If the spleen is fine, then it is probably my bone marrow & to find out for sure about that, I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy (he had already said that he would do one of those when he thinks we are completely finished - after my lymph nodes are clear, just to make sure the bone marrow is completely clear, too), so it looks like I will be having at least two of those...not looking forward to that! If you do not know what they do for a bone marrow biopsy, here is the scoop (if you are squeamish - skip past this part). 

He will do it in his office - I will lie on the exam table & he will use a needle to go into my bone marrow & extract some, then with the same needle he will scrap a small piece of bone to examine. This is done on the side of your upper hip toward the back. When he told me about this before, I made a face I guess, about the pain and he said, "I will deaden it as much as possible, I promise!" and I thought, "Well, you can deaden my skin where the needle goes in...but you can't deaden the bone - and that is the ultimate target!"

I know this will be painful, but if that's what we have to do, then that's what we will do.

If the spleen is fine & my bone marrow is clear, then I guess that would be the 3rd option...the one I am not counting on, because I do not want to be disappointed - that the lymphoma is gone & I am on the road to recovery. Of course, that is my wish, my prayer, my hope, but I am not planning on that just yet, too much disappointment in that - this soon - if it doesn't happen. If that is it - well then PRAISE JESUS!

But all of this is several weeks away.

He did say that this is unusual- for the white count to be down this low, for so long, but that it did not mean I was getting sicker. (I ask). He said that it may just mean that I am more sensitive to the chemo than most people. (I always knew I was the sensitive one in the family)   :)

So that's where we are for now...in limbo...again, waiting for the insurance to "make sure" that I need a test that the Dr. says I have to have, before we can continue with chemo...gotta love those insurance companies! And from what I understand - Blue Cross is one of the only ones that takes SOOO long! Of course, again... my luck that this would be my insurance company!

But even though my body is not doing what I want it to, I still don't feel bad. I am achy in the mornings when I first get up, but I take my pain pills & then I am good until late afternoon. I am not & never have been, nauseous. My hair is growing back. I still have my appetite (although I lost 4 pounds since I was in there two weeks ago). So all in all, I am doing pretty well, but this problem with the white count is really getting me down. I know by tomorrow or the next day, I will be fine again, but I need some time to process what he said & what I am feeling & what the outlook is for me.

On my way home from the Dr., I was very upset & pretty depressed & I was just praying that God would show me the answer...the promise that He gave...give me back my hope & get me out of this low, very low mood.

When I got home, I started my quiet time with my devotion books & my year-Bible.The first two- "Jesus Calling" and the Beth Moore devotion books were pretty generic for today -good, but not really the "answer" I was looking for, but the "Moments of Peace for the Morning" was spot on.

"Fully Assured"

"Here is the definition of faith for you to live by today - being completely assured of what you hope for and absolutely certain of what you do not see. Though everything around you goes against that hope, you have complete confidence in God.

You believe in God and that He can do the impossible. Perhaps the lingering question is, will He? Does God love you enough to help you?

The answer is absolutely yes. Even though God has shown His love for you in Christ, you still must accept His love by faith, fully assured that He will not fail you.

Therefore, have strong faith today in the wonderful God who loves you."

and the prayer:

"Dear God, not only do I believe you exist and can do anything, but also I completely trust that you love me enough to help me. Amen."

******************************************

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this violent storm is past." Psalm 57:1

Well, I got my answer...the answer to my prayer.

I don't know why I am having to deal with more set-backs, more disappointments, but God does. He allows these things to happen, but then shows me a way to survive through them.

I am becoming stronger through this and maybe that's the reason, maybe that's the point. When I learn things or realize new things, I pass them on to you & others and maybe someone else needs to hear this, read this today.

I want to be finished with this journey more than anything, but right now, that is not possible. So I will continue to plod along, making my way through this and learning something new everyday.

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

9/8/11 - Trust and Obey...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Yesterday was a very bad day. 2nd week in a row that I couldn't do Chemo because my white count was too low. (This is the 4th time this has happened). When it happened last week and the other two times before that, I was a little disappointed, but...no big deal, really. Yesterday was a different matter.

First of all let me explain what you go through to get to the point of chemo day. It is not just one day - you plan your month around that day - because:

(1)  The 3rd day after chemo is my worst day, so I have to make sure nothing serious is going on that day, since I usually don't feel like doing anything.

(2)  10 days from chemo day is your "low immune" day, when you can't leave the house, except to do blood work, so that has to be planned out.

(3)   I usually have some pretty good days (the 2nd week after) and some pretty bad days (the 3rd, 4th & 5th days after).

So really the whole month is planned around the "chemo day". Plus you psych yourself up for the treatment day, plan your activities around that day (knowing that you won't be able to do anything else but treatment), you go in for blood work (usually early - at least for me), see the Dr (sometimes) and then have treatment - if you can't do the treatment - it throws your whole schedule off for that day. And you get further & further behind on treatments.

So when I found out yesterday that my white count was too low - again - I was...very discouraged, very depressed, very weepy...all in all...very sad.

Dr. Parker's nurse came into the chemo room yesterday to tell me that ...again...white count too low. Of course she said there was nothing I could do (nothing I could eat, nothing I could drink, no pills to take) to help this situation, this was not affecting my treatments, this was not a set-back as far as treating the cancer, that it was pretty normal & that it can be fixed, either by taking the drug out (next time) that is causing me to hang on to the chemo or with a shot (in the stomach) at the end of the next treatment to help with this problem and that I would have to come in next week, do blood work, talk to the Dr. & then hopefully do the chemo.

Sounds easy, huh? No problem...a small set-back... a bump in the road of treatment...

Not yesterday...last straw, one that broke the camel's back...bla...bla...bla...

It was just too much yesterday. I felt defeated, I felt depressed, I felt like this was my fault, because my body wouldn't cooperate, I felt like I was not going to get better.

And yes, I know, none of this was rational, but for most of the time since I started this journey - I have felt pretty good - really good - compared to some people that are going through the same thing. I don't look sick. Most of the time, I don't feel sick and except for the scarf - no one would know that I am going through chemo treatments and have been for 4 months...sometimes I forget myself. I have really pretty much breezed through this - do blood work, see the Dr., do the treatments, go home, live my life for 3 weeks, then do it all over again. But for the last few weeks that has been changing - treatments are harder & harder to do...my body is not doing what it is suppose to...I am slipping further & further behind.

So yesterday was a bad day ~ full of tears, sadness, sorrow, depression and feeling like God's promise (that I would be well) was maybe something I just made up in my own head, at the beginning of this, to make me feel better.

I went to bed last night & prayed that God would help me through this, that He would show me the promise that I felt like He gave me, that I would feel His presence again. (I had felt for the last several weeks, that I was slipping away from His presence, even though I was doing my quiet time every morning...I could not focus on the words, I could not pray, I could not feel His presence...) I think partly that was because, everything was going along pretty good, no bumps in the road, no major changes to my health - a few small set-backs, but nothing I couldn't handle...until yesterday.

This morning when I woke up, before I got out of bed, I had a song running through my head (that happens sometime when God wants me to hear Him). "Trust and Obey" - "for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus - but to Trust and Obey."

I got up with a longing to do my quiet time, that I had not had in several weeks, to hear His Word, to hear from Him what He wanted me to know.

I have never had a book like my little "Jesus Calling" book. I have written about it so many times on this blog. I am always amazed, each time it happens, how relevant it is to my life that day...You would think I would get it eventually...that God is talking to me through this little book, but I am continually amazed, none the less...I guess I am just a little dense. :)

Here is the devotion for today - Sept. 8th: (I have underlined the words that spoke the most to my needs - yesterday and today) -

"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day, but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence."

Trust and Obey... - I slipped away for a while, because I did not have an urgency for God's Presence...Even though I am in the middle of chemo treatments (which for some people would be a devastating experience)...my life was, for several weeks, uneventful. He pulled me back, thankfully, when I needed Him most - yesterday...a very low day.

Two Bible verses for today:

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God!" - Psalm 42:5

and

"For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing."  - Jeremiah 31:35

I had lost my joy, my thankfulness, my peace and my hope (or at least had misplaced them). God has returned them to me ~ overflowing.

I know there are some who read this, that are in need today - of what I was needing. I hope that God has spoken to you today, too. Because in my other devotion book today, the message was entitled "Write It Down"  - Here is a small part of that:

"There is something about seeing His words to you formed on paper (or blog - (my add-on)) that somehow makes them more real - more possible. You document God's personal promises to you and the certainty of them gives you peace. And if you ever begin to doubt, you can always go back and read them again.

This morning, write down what you learn during your time alone with God. He will certainly bless you through it."

"Then the Lord replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets." - Habakkuk 2:2

and 

"Write the things down you have seen and the things which are and the things which will take place after these things." - Revelations 1:19

I have not written for a while, because my days have been pretty much the same and because God has not given me things to write about. Today there are many things to write about. God has given me promises, peace, joy, hope and thankfulness through His Word. 

I am truly thankful.