"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."
Doctor's visit today was not a good one. After the 3rd try in as many weeks for my white count to raise...it didn't. It did come up from 550 last week to 600 this week, but that is a long way from 1000.
So the game plan has changed. He wants me to have another PET scan to see what is going on - ASAP. (Of course that involves THREE WEEKS of waiting for the ins. co (BLUE CROSS - in case anyone wants to know) to approve the PET scan. She has me tentatively down for October 4 for the PET scan & October 5 to see the Dr. again.
Here is what he said...in my round about, not knowing medical terms, what I heard him say - way.
The good news - ALL my others vitals are perfect - my red blood count is right where it should be & all the other things that they check & check for - are perfect...no problems with anything except the white count.
So this is what he is thinking- one of 3 things...
1) my spleen is the problem, that I AM actually making white cells, but my spleen is holding on to them, which makes it look like the count is down
OR
2) my bone marrow is just very sensitive to the chemo drugs that I am taking & it is not letting the white cells do what they are suppose to do
OR
3) my lymph nodes are clear and my body doesn't know what to do with the chemo that is there - that it has nothing to fight.
Of course, my choice is for Door #3, but somehow with my track record, I don't think that is the answer...no matter how much I wish it were.
So with the new PET scan, he will be able to tell what is going on in my body & know where to go from there.
If it is my spleen, depending on how enlarged or involved it is, he will change my chemo drugs to something new & hope that that will work. If it is very involved - he said we might have to remove it.
If the spleen is fine, then it is probably my bone marrow & to find out for sure about that, I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy (he had already said that he would do one of those when he thinks we are completely finished - after my lymph nodes are clear, just to make sure the bone marrow is completely clear, too), so it looks like I will be having at least two of those...not looking forward to that! If you do not know what they do for a bone marrow biopsy, here is the scoop (if you are squeamish - skip past this part).
He will do it in his office - I will lie on the exam table & he will use a needle to go into my bone marrow & extract some, then with the same needle he will scrap a small piece of bone to examine. This is done on the side of your upper hip toward the back. When he told me about this before, I made a face I guess, about the pain and he said, "I will deaden it as much as possible, I promise!" and I thought, "Well, you can deaden my skin where the needle goes in...but you can't deaden the bone - and that is the ultimate target!"
I know this will be painful, but if that's what we have to do, then that's what we will do.
If the spleen is fine & my bone marrow is clear, then I guess that would be the 3rd option...the one I am not counting on, because I do not want to be disappointed - that the lymphoma is gone & I am on the road to recovery. Of course, that is my wish, my prayer, my hope, but I am not planning on that just yet, too much disappointment in that - this soon - if it doesn't happen. If that is it - well then PRAISE JESUS!
But all of this is several weeks away.
He did say that this is unusual- for the white count to be down this low, for so long, but that it did not mean I was getting sicker. (I ask). He said that it may just mean that I am more sensitive to the chemo than most people. (I always knew I was the sensitive one in the family) :)
So that's where we are for now...in limbo...again, waiting for the insurance to "make sure" that I need a test that the Dr. says I have to have, before we can continue with chemo...gotta love those insurance companies! And from what I understand - Blue Cross is one of the only ones that takes SOOO long! Of course, again... my luck that this would be my insurance company!
But even though my body is not doing what I want it to, I still don't feel bad. I am achy in the mornings when I first get up, but I take my pain pills & then I am good until late afternoon. I am not & never have been, nauseous. My hair is growing back. I still have my appetite (although I lost 4 pounds since I was in there two weeks ago). So all in all, I am doing pretty well, but this problem with the white count is really getting me down. I know by tomorrow or the next day, I will be fine again, but I need some time to process what he said & what I am feeling & what the outlook is for me.
On my way home from the Dr., I was very upset & pretty depressed & I was just praying that God would show me the answer...the promise that He gave...give me back my hope & get me out of this low, very low mood.
When I got home, I started my quiet time with my devotion books & my year-Bible.The first two- "Jesus Calling" and the Beth Moore devotion books were pretty generic for today -good, but not really the "answer" I was looking for, but the "Moments of Peace for the Morning" was spot on.
"Fully Assured"
"Here is the definition of faith for you to live by today - being completely assured of what you hope for and absolutely certain of what you do not see. Though everything around you goes against that hope, you have complete confidence in God.
You believe in God and that He can do the impossible. Perhaps the lingering question is, will He? Does God love you enough to help you?
The answer is absolutely yes. Even though God has shown His love for you in Christ, you still must accept His love by faith, fully assured that He will not fail you.
Therefore, have strong faith today in the wonderful God who loves you."
and the prayer:
"Dear God, not only do I believe you exist and can do anything, but also I completely trust that you love me enough to help me. Amen."
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"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1
"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this violent storm is past." Psalm 57:1
Well, I got my answer...the answer to my prayer.
I don't know why I am having to deal with more set-backs, more disappointments, but God does. He allows these things to happen, but then shows me a way to survive through them.
I am becoming stronger through this and maybe that's the reason, maybe that's the point. When I learn things or realize new things, I pass them on to you & others and maybe someone else needs to hear this, read this today.
I want to be finished with this journey more than anything, but right now, that is not possible. So I will continue to plod along, making my way through this and learning something new everyday.
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