8/16/11 - PSALM

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Last weekend was not a good weekend for me. 3rd, 4th, 5th days after treatment are usually pretty rough, but I try to push through. Friday (3rd day after) was very much an ache & pain day. Saturday is usually better, but this time, I was left with no energy/no strength. By Sunday, I am usually doing pretty well, but I was nauseous all night Saturday night, so Sunday dawned on a pretty slow, not very good day.

Our sweet Emma and her parents were here for the weekend, so I was hoping to feel good & be able to enjoy her & spend time with my kids. By Sunday afternoon, I was feeling better, but by then, the weekend was over.

I have bad days & good ones and I will tell you that most of my days are more good than bad. Not great...but ok.

When the bad days come though, I tend to lose my focus on the promises that God has given me. Not that I doubt them, but I am so focused on pain or lack of energy that I can't see past that. I know God is always there, but focus is sometimes lacking & I can't quite get to the promises He has given me for this illness & my life.

So this is where I was on Monday morning when I sat down to do my quiet time.

The first book I read from is "Jesus Calling" and here is the idea of the passage on Monday: "Try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise." 

I immediately thought of the song by Laura Story "Blessings". I love that song. Please listen to it, if you haven't already done so. It will bless your heart, no matter what you are going through.

Two of the verses from "Jesus Calling" (all 3 were from Psalm today) were:

"Morning, noon and night, I plead aloud in my distress and the Lord hears my voice."  Psalm 55:17

and

"O My people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

Well, that got my attention. I know God is here with me at all times, but your focus tends to waver when pain & weakness fill your world on a certain day (or weekend).

The next devotion book I read from is Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Day by Day"

Here is the page for Monday 8/15 - "We don't become victors by conquering the enemy, but through surrender to Christ, through dependence on God." And the verses - all from Psalm (do you see a pattern developing?). 

She writes the verses as a prayer every day - "I love you, O Lord, my strength! You are my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer; You, my God, are my Rock, in whom I take refuge. You are my shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold! I call to You, O Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies!" Psalm 18:1-3

Then my 3rd little book that I read from each morning - "Moments of Peace for the Morning" said this:

Title of page "Blessed is the Believer" - 

"There is so much peace in simply believing and knowing that God will do as He said" (God's promise to me about this illness & my lack of focus on that) "Certainly, it is not always easy to simply rest in God's promises. Your mind will strive to think of every obstacle that could impede you. When you believe - really fully trust - that God will do as He says, you will experience a deep, abiding peace that will truly bless you. You will know His presence and power in a way that will amaze you."

"You are blessed, because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." Luke 1:45

I read from a one year Bible & most of the time, the scriptures are good, but not necessarily relevant to me for that day (as far as what I am going through that day), but Monday 8/15 was an exception to that rule.  

"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out, so that you will not give in to it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 (Temptatation - of  doubting His promise - of doubtfulness). Thank you God ~ for that verse.

Then in Psalm (again) -

"I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His Praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are discouraged take heart. Come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear Him, and He rescues them. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in Him. Let the Lord's people show Him reverence, for those who honor Him will have all they need. Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will never lack any good thing." Psalm 34:1-10

Trust, Trust, Trust... in His Promise - in His promise to me. My focus was lacking over the weekend, but God's word pulled me back to where I needed to be. Seeing His promise for my life.

That the God of the universe is watching over me - holding my right hand - giving me peace. That He is showing me His presence every moment of the day and night. What an awesome & humbling feeling!

8/11/11 - Joy, Thankfulness and Waiting Patiently...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

To begin with, I must tell you - joy & thankfulness usually come pretty easily for me. Waiting patiently...not so much.

I have had several times this week that I have seen first hand - all three of these in my life.

I am thankful for a daughter who went with me to Chemo yesterday and waited patiently while they filled her mother with chemo drugs and Benadryl, for getting me my request for lunch, for driving me home & letting me, with the little strength I had left - go immediately to the bedroom to sleep off the effects of the Benadryl and while I was sleeping - washed my dishes and cleaned my kitchen. And the joy I felt when I finally woke up & walked into a kitchen that had been cleaned, while I slept.

I am thankful for a Doctor, that in his wisdom, had me wait (wait patiently?) for an extra week to do my next round of Chemo - sure that my white count would go up & the joy I felt when miraculously, it did and I was able to take my treatment yesterday.

I am thankful and hopeful that I am half way through with treatment. He thinks that 4 more will be enough. So I wait patiently to find out if that is true and will be full of joy, if it is.

I am thankful for mechanics who know what they are doing. Steve's truck was in the shop all last week, while we waited patiently for them to fix it and find out the cost of the repairs. Thankful that we have 2 vehicles & that he could drive mine to work. And joyful when we found out that instead of $1000.00 + like we thought it would cost (mechanic's first estimate) - it was only $500.00. A big chunk of medical bills can be paid with an extra $500.00.

On a Biblical note: On the morning that Steve called to tell me that the bill on the truck would be $1000.00 +, in my quiet time a little later that morning - this was one of the scriptures for the day ( Jesus Calling - Aug 5th)

"Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm 37:7

I thought - what would I be waiting for? What plan could God have for this day - for this problem?? Then a few hours later, Steve called back & said they found out the problem wasn't what they first thought and the bill would be around $500.00 instead of $1000.00. Wait Patiently? Hummmm... There was joy  in that moment...

I'm thankful for the rain this week - even though our electricity went off twice for 2 1/2 hours each time. Sitting in the dark, in the silence of no fans, no a/c, no electrical appliances turning on & off, no TV or radio, you wait patiently, with just your thoughts. And then the joy when things come back on & you have your "old life" back again.

Several weeks ago, a friend gave me a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I've really just started reading it, but in it, the author talks about joy & thankfulness and how our joy & thankfulness in life are tied into our salvation. 

Here are the lines that struck me: "Our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in a life, until the life realizes the need to give thanks. In everything? I would never experience the fullness of my salvation until I experience the fullness of my thanks every day, and thankfulness is elemental to living the saved life."

I am learning that our joy is not in getting all the things done on our "bucket list" before we are gone, but in every day things that God gives us. The joy of a sunny day or a rainy day, the joy of a clean kitchen, cleaned with love, the joy of being able to take a treatment that will make me whole again, the joy of having a mechanic you trust.

And with that joy comes thankfulness for each new day, for good things & bad, for learning experiences, for being able to live a fuller life of thankfulness and joy and learning to wait patiently for all these things to happen in God's time, in His plan.

Waiting patiently is not my best quality, not my strong suit, but I am learning, if I just let go, God will take care of it all, of everything I am concerned with, with all my trials, all my problems.

Joy & Thankfulness ... check

Waiting Patiently ... lesson (almost) learned.

8/2/11 - A New Me From Head to Toes and Update From Dr. Visit on 8/3/11

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Tuesday, August 1-

On Friday, we are to have pictures taken for the Church Directory. I didn't want my photo in this directory to be with me wearing one of my scarves ~ (I did not want people 25 years from now looking at this directory & remembering that was the summer of my bout with cancer - and yes...I still have the directory with the picture we had made - before Sara was born...so yes...people do keep them that long!), so I had to go in search of a wig that would work. 

Several friends have brought some for me to borrow, but I have found that the scarves work well for me & have not needed the wigs, plus the ones that I have been given were not really "me". So yesterday my sweet daughter took off work to help me in this quest & then we were getting pedicures, but more on that later.

We went to the Cancer Society office on Meridian. I was hoping to find one there, but have had others tell me that they didn't have a very good selection, not many blond wigs, so I was not confident that we would find one. Our alternative plan was to go to Norman - the Norman hospital has put in a new "store" for cancer patients, that is run mostly by volunteers that are cancer survivors. They have wigs & other things and all is free, just like the place here on Meridian (The place here in OKC will also help with insurance problems, etc. which I did not know until yesterday...also good to know).

So we go to the office & walk in...and they take us to the back room where the wigs are...Now my plan was to try on several - have fun with them...have Sara take pictures of all the different styles/colors that I tried on (I was hoping for a "Cher" look ~ for one of them :) and then see if they actually had one that would work for me (my hopes weren't very high about that). 

Well. we walk into the room & the first one that Sara & I both spot is almost my color...almost my length AND the part is even on the correct side!! Needless to say...I totally forgot about trying on others...I was fixated on this one...couldn't believe that it was so close to my actual hair...so...unfortunately, we do not have the wig style show that I was hoping for. Sorry. Neither of us thought about it, until we had already left the office. :(

But we do have photos of the wig I picked out to use for the directory pics on Friday. I probably won't wear it any other time, since they are so hot, plus the scarves work great for me.

It does need a little trim on the bangs & the length, but I was very happy with our selection and also with the fact that we didn't have to drive all the way to Norman. A friend of Sara's works there, too, which made it even better. They were very helpful & friendly and it made the whole experience much nicer. They also gave me a tip on using a cut off t-shirt as a scarf. It's a great idea & something I will try soon.

Then it was off to the mall for lunch and then a pedicure - get it? "a new me from head to toes". :)

Here is the reason for the pedicure...when I first got sick, a sweet friend of Sara's - Abby Jeffers sent me a get well card with a hand drawn "gift card" inside ~ for a pedicure, whenever I felt up to it. Abby is one of God's special angels here on earth... at the time that she sent me the card, she was taking care of a dear friend of her's, who was close to my age, who also had cancer. Abby was traveling with her for treatments & living in her house with her family and spending pretty much all her time with this sweet friend. A couple of months ago, her friend Jackie went to sleep & woke up with Jesus. I know Abby & Jackie's family are still grieving the loss of this wonderful woman, but during the time that she was giving all her energy to Jackie & her family, she still had time to think of me...draw this sweet gift card and give Sara money for my pedicure.

So yesterday we got those pedicures...Sara had me get the "deluxe" pedicure, which was wonderful...I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it!! A long, wonderful - foot & leg massage, pretty pink toenail polish and time spent with my daughter. A perfect day! 

So THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Abby...it was the best gift you could have given me. AND...THANK YOU! THANK YOU! to Sara for taking off work, for driving me to get the wig, to the mall for lunch & pedicures and for driving me to get my other errands done. It was a great day!!

I am new from head to toes!

**************************************************

Now for new info about the treatments, etc:

I went last Wed. for a CT scan. Dr. Parker said that would be enough for him to tell how things were going. He will do a PET Scan, when he thinks we are all finished.

I do not know the results of the CT scan yet, but have a Dr. appt with him in the morning at 10:00 and then am scheduled for 4th Chemo treatment right after that (if all goes well with my white blood count and we are able to do the 4th treatment). So we will find out in the morning what the CT scan showed & possibly how many more treatments I will have to have.

I will tell you...I am nervous. God gave me a promise, early on, that all would be well with me & I would come out of this whole & healthy, but the longer the treatments continue, the fewer "good" days I have. I know in my heart that He is faithful, but my mind & body (and I'm sure - the "great deceiver") sometime deceive me into believing that I will not get well. I call on the name of Jesus when these times come & I have peace again, but they rear their ugly heads over & over again. 

But God continues to answer my prayers through His Word & this is what I read this morning: 

"God is not like people, who lie; He is not a human, who changes his mind. Whatever He promises, He does; He speaks and it is done." Numbers 23:19

And a couple of days ago I read this, which I have read & said, hundreds of times, but this interpretation  really caught my mind:

"The Lord is my shepherd; 

I have everything I need. 

He lets me rest in green meadows;

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

You welcome me as a guest,

Anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love

will pursue me all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever." Psalm 23:1-6

Please pray for the Dr. Appt. tomorrow ~ that we will receive good news about the CT scan, that my white count is up, so I can have treatment, that the treatment goes well and that I will be finished with these soon.


UPDATE ~   Wednesday 8/3 - Good news & Bad News from the Dr. visit


Well, we got good news & bad news. Bad news is that my white cell count was down to 800 (lowest it has been), so he wants me to wait a week & try to do chemo then. He thinks if we wait a week, my body will kind of boost itself back up, since I will have been off the chemo for a month. Good news is the lymph nodes are shrinking! The largest ones are shrinking & the smaller ones have not changed (which is good, I guess - since they haven't gotten bigger). He was happy with the report. BUT, he thinks we will have to do 8 total ~ instead of 6, like I was hoping for. If we have to do more, he will do some changes to my chemo drugs, but he seems hopeful that 8 will be enough. Whatever we have to do, I am thankful for good report today & thankful for prayers. :)