5/31/11 - Blessings...and Prayers for tomorrow...

http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

Laura Story - "Blessings" Lyrics

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

I heard this song several weeks ago & love the lyrics. Wanted to share it with you, if you haven't heard it before. Beautiful...

Well, tomorrow is the BIG DAY - the start of my Chemo treatments. I will admit that I am a little nervous...not because of the treatments - the IV in my arm, 6 hours in a chair, etc, etc.- but just the unknown. Steve is going with me & Sara will meet us there. I don't know if they both will stay, but it is nice to have the support. Talked to a friend over the weekend who's mother is going through the same thing - her's was Stage I  when it started. She is taking the same chemo drug that I will be taking, is 85 years old and has not had any problems - no nausea, no tiredness, no problems at all. Hopefully I will be the same. 

She has been through chemo several times...the chemo works - then the cancer shows up again in tiny places, so they start another round.

I don't want to be on drugs or chemo the rest of my life, but if that's what it takes to have a "rest of my life", then I can manage.

I will do the chemo tomorrow, start on the steroids for 5 days & then 10 days out, will go just for blood work & have to come straight back home. No shopping that day :) - each 10 days will be my "low" point, as far as my immune system goes, so I can't be around anyone. I don't know if it will only be for that day or for several days after, but I guess they will let me know about that & the other million questions I have, when I show up in the morning. Dr. Parker's nurse went over everything with me last month, when I thought I was starting the treatments then - and I was trying to absorb everything she was saying, so I wouldn't forget anything & of course, now a month later, I've forgotten everything she said!

I plan on taking photos to add to the blog, so everyone can kind of walk through this with me...see where I am & hopefully see some of the people that will be taking care of me.

I will do 3 treatments - one every 3 weeks to start - then, I guess another PET scan, to see how things are progressing & then Dr. Parker will decide on another 3 or 5 treatments, depending on how I'm doing. I'm hoping that at the end of these 3, he will find nothing left of the cancer...wouldn't that be wonderful?? 

I know God can cure me whenever he wants...before I start tomorrow...at the end of 3...or any time after that.. I can't "fix" this part of my life, so I am leaving this in the hands of the Dr., the staff & most importantly with God...to heal me & make me whole again. To start the last 3rd of my life.

The first 3rd of my life was spent growing up, getting saved, moving VERY far away from God and then starting to work my way back.

The second 3rd of my life was spent raising a family, moving closer to God & thinking that I was "doing ok" with my faith.

The third 3rd of my life will be spent following Him more closely than I ever have, using this time in my life as my testimony to God's love & caring and working more for Him & the reason I was put on Earth. I have SO much left to do & I am praying for that whole 3rd (another 30 years...or more) to be able to fulfill what I want & need to do.

In my quiet time this morning, I read the devotion books & Bible verses for today, but also read on for tomorrow, since I figured I wouldn't have much time in the morning.

Here are the Bible verses for tomorrow - June 1st - 

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13  

and  

"Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you."  1 Peter 5:7 NLT

and this:

"I am involved in each moment of your life. I have carefully mapped out each inch of your journey through this day, even though much of it may feel hap-hazard.

Stay conscious of Me as you go through this day, remembering that I never leave your side. Let the Holy Spirit guide you step by step, protecting you from unnecessary trails and equipping you to get through whatever must be endured. Thus the Light of My Presence shines on you, giving you Peace and Joy that circumstances cannot touch." (Jesus Calling - June 1st)

What an amazing God that knew from before I was born what tomorrow would be like for me...had a friend make sure I got this little book & placed these exact verses on this day (June 1st) for me to read!! How can I not believe that He will heal me & make me whole again??

I have been so blessed with friends & family ~ calling, sending cards, praying and taking care of me through these 2 1/2 months, since I got the diagnosis. I know these next few months will be the same.

To tell others about the family of God & what they mean to me and about what a loving, understanding & caring God that I serve ~ I cannot ask for a better testimony than that ~ to be able to share with others during this - the next 3rd of my life.

Please pray for me tomorrow...and  for Steve & Sara as they sit with me, for my boys, Justin & Christopher and his wife Brittany & sweet baby Emma, who are all away from me ~ as they go through this with us  from "long distance".

5/28/11 - Trials and Treasures...

When you are diagnosed with a disease, everyone talks about the disease...the prayers they are sending, the friends that have had "it" and are long time survivors, the encouragement, the warm hugs & tears that are shed with the person that has been diagnosed.

 When you are diagnosed with a disease, everything & everyone is focused on the disease, including you. But no one talks about the expense of being sick.

It has been a long 2 1/2 months for me, from the time I was diagnosed until now, when I am ready to start my treatments. And even though I know I don't have the trials that Job did, I have certainly had my share.

 I have accepted that I am sick & know that God will heal me to a healthy life, but almost every day a new bill comes in from the hospital or the Dr. This is such a weight on me. I have put almost everything on a credit card, so it will all be in one place. And every day I think...what else can there be? I've gotten the bills (my part) from everything I've done so far, the CT scan ($900.00), the needle biopsy ($1100.00), the heart scan ($375.00), the PET scan ($650.00) and yet, almost every day a new bill shows up.

Our insurance deductible is $5000.00 for the two of us, so we have to get to that amount before the insurance picks up a dime of the expense. That has all gone on the credit card. Steve's meds are $750.00 a month... that goes on the credit card. A credit card that at the 1st of the year had a "O - Balance" is now at $8500.00 & rising. And I haven't even started treatment yet.   

I received a call from the oncologist's office on Thursday, telling me that before they can start the treatments, I have to pay $385.00 (before each treatment) for the first three, then I will be at the deductible...the deductible that I thought was already paid. The way she explained it, made sense at the time, but I couldn't explain it now. 

And here is the real worry...once I pay these 3 payments for these 3 treatments, the insurance will cover 100%...whew...sigh...finally a good thing!...No wait, they will only cover up to $10,000.00, until the new year begins...then it's back to getting up to the $5000.00 deductible and so on... 

The oncologist told me I would need these 3 treatments, then either 3 or 5 more. I did the math...no rocket science...that means that I will be covered for 5 treatments at $2000.00 a piece...then no more insurance until 2012.  Any way you figure that, I am short for 1- 3 treatments - between for $2000.00 - $6000.00 to pay for the rest on my own. That amount doesn't even add into the $8500.00 on the credit card & the $200.00 a  month that I have to pay the hospital for the CAT scan & the biopsy. And to add to this, Steve had to have a root canal & a new crown from that & we lost our dental insurance at the beginning of the year, because the cost was too high, so his boss dropped it... so we had to pay the entire amount ourselves - Cost apprx $2000.00 (of course - added to the credit card).

On top of all the medicals bills that are mounting up every day, last Monday, the ONG man came to the door telling me that my gas bill was really high for this month & wanted to check for a leak....no leak in the gas, but a leak in the hot water tank...new hot water tank put in on Tuesday - cost $1400.00 (which also went on the credit card). We went to Tulsa over the weekend to see the new granddaughter (beautiful, by the way) - on the way to Tulsa, the A/C went out in the car. I can not survive an Oklahoma summer with chemo treatments without an A/C in my car...new  A/C compressor the following Tuesday - cost $1200.00 (also on the credit card). Luckily these two purchases were put on with "no interest for a year", but with an $80.00 fee, to have this privilege. The problem is that in a year these will come due and I still won't have the money to pay them, because I will be trying to pay off all the medical bills & the meds....It's a never ending battle. :(  

Being sick takes a toll on you, but the expenses of being sick sometimes take a bigger toll.

I was feeling really sorry for myself last week with all of this weighing me down - mentally & physically, but every day I always have a quiet time in the morning to read my Bible & my devotion books and to ask for peace. Even if some days I just don't "feel" like it - I can not - could not go on another day without this. So I just wanted to share with you a few things that I read & a few things God is showing me & teaching me along the way.

On the day we found out what the bill would be for the new water heater, this is what I read:

"Impossible situations are God's specialty. At times, it will seem that if anything can go wrong, it does. But nothing  is too difficult for God. You can have patience during times of difficulty knowing that all the obstacles in your path are nothing at all to God". (Moments of Peace in the Morning)

OK, thank you God for bringing me back to your reality!

Then several days later, when I had received the newest bill from the hospital/Dr., to add to the growing collection, here is what I read that morning::

"You have not been left alone to fend for yourself. God has given you His great power. Rejoice today that you will never have a problem that requires more power than that". (Moments of Peace in the Morning)

Again, I started to waver on my faith that with God all things are possible, even all my bills...and again God showed me...He must think I'm a really slow learner! And I guess I am.

Because for several days around this same time, in the other devotion book "Jesus Calling", when my world was caving in, with worry about bills & cancer & surviving...here are some of the things I read:

"I, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE, am with you and for you.What more could you need? When you feel some lack, it is because you are not connecting with Me at a deep level. I offer abundant Life; your part is to trust Me, refusing to worry about anything.

It is not so much adverse events that make you anxious, as it is your thoughts about those events. Your mind engages in efforts to take control of a situation, to bring about the result you desire. Your thoughts close in on the problem like ravenous wolves. Determined to make things go your way, you forget that I am in charge of your life. The only remedy is to switch your focus from the problem to My Presence. Stop all your striving and watch to see what I will do. I am the Lord!"

and the next day one of the Bible verses was: "So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God and in His good time, He will honor you. Give all your worries and cares to God, for He cares about what happens to you."  1 Peter 5:6

Ok, Ok...I'm starting to see a pattern here. What a mighty, loving God I have, that knows my every worry & problem and wants to give me peace about it all!

I have written before that for all of you that know me well, I am not good at turning over the reigns of any situation...I am the one that wants to be in charge, because I am under the impression (in my own mind) that I am the only one that can handle it/do it justice/decorate it correctly/make sure it gets done... Whatever "it" is. And God is slowly starting to get through my thick, stubborn mind that I just need to "let go". Which is almost an impossible task for me...one I struggle with everyday! But then I read this the next day - (I guess He really WAS reading my mind):

"The world is too much with you, My Child. Your mind leaps from problem to problem,  tangling your thoughts in anxious knots.When you think like that, you leave Me out of your world-view and your mind becomes darkened. Though I yearn to help, I will not violate your freedom. I stand silently in the background of your mind, waiting for you to remember that I am with you.

When you turn your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings". (Jesus Calling)

Huh...I never heard that before...everything I have read or heard always says, "Just give it to God. He will take over & give you peace." For someone like me...that is a very hard thing to do, even with God. To give it ALL up & let someone else take over...?? But then I read the last few lines -

"When you turn your problems to My Presence, your load is immediately lighter. Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Your compulsion to "fix" everything gives way to deep, satisfying connection with Me. Together we can handle whatever this day brings". 

"Circumstances may not have changed, but we carry your burdens together. Together we can handle whatever this day brings"

God will help me carry all this burden! Not just take over... I can do that! What a revelation!!

So I am still in the biggest, deepest, darkest hole I have ever been in...with treatments looming, mountains of bills piling up, no money to pay them...and yet... God is showing me that life is more than that. Life is here to live it, relying on Him to help me with all this... I am at peace. Somehow, some way, all these bills will get paid, my treatments will be covered (even without the insurance) and I will be whole again. 

These months & this situation will be my testimony...How God carried us through this... 

and how God and I carried this burden together. 

"There are hidden treasures strategically placed along the way. Some of the treasures are trials, designed to shake you free from earth-shackles. Others are blessings that reveal My Presence: sunshine, flowers, birds, friendships, answered prayer". (Jesus Calling)

I am going through trials, but I am blessed.

5/14/11 - Birth and New Beginnings

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from Him.
~ Psalm 127:3 from NLT

Our little Emma Marie is finally here. Born 5/12/11, she was 7 lbs. 20 inches and perfect in every way.

 I am so glad I decided to hold off on the chemo until the 1st of June! How much I would have missed, if I hadn't been able to be with them - Christopher, Brittany & sweet Emma, the last couple of days. God's miracle of a healthy baby is an amazing thing. So many tiny things could go wrong & none of them did. We are all thanking God for a safe c-section delivery & for a beautiful baby. 

She was breech, so her legs (when she is on her back) are flat out at the sides of her body (like a little frog :). The pediatrician came to check her yesterday (they thought she might have to wear some type of brace for a little while - to help pull her legs back into alignment), but he said she is perfect, nothing needs to be done - they will adjust on their own. Thank you God for your grace.

From the fullness of His grace we have all received one blessing after another.
~ John 1:16 from NIV


Our family is overjoyed with delight at this sweet new life. I am thankful that God chose the timing for my illness, so that I could work around this miracle. I know that I will have many years to enjoy Emma and new grandchildren that come along after. We are filled with joy and thankfulness.

I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
~ Psalm 139:14 from KJV

Our little Emma is fearfully and wonderfully made. We praise God for His blessings.

5/10/11 - The Story of the Easter Lillies

I received a message today from my niece, who lives in Utah, about the picture of my mother that I had on facebook for Mother's Day week. My mother was a BIG gardener - always working in her yard. (I, on the other hand, did not get ANY of those genes).

This is what she wrote:

"I just got on and saw the picture of Grandma. I miss her too...I miss her everyday. When she passed away I came home and missed her so much that I bought a little yellow tea rose plant that was in bloom from the store. Roses always make me think of her. Last year in November we got a huge snow storm. It snowed the day before the anniversary of Grandma's death. I'm always sad on those anniversary dates because I miss her so much. So I was thinking of her on the 18th, walked outside, and on that little tea rose bush was a little yellow rose bud starting to open...in the middle of the snow! I took a picture. I'll have to email it to you. She is with us, even though we can't hug her, hear her laugh, or sit and visit with her." 

Thanks for that little story, Paula. I know she is here, too. If she were here in the flesh, she would be my biggest support as I go through all this, but since she isn't, Sara has kind of taken on that roll. Here's my story about that:

Years ago on Easter, my mother brought me an Easter lily (she was from the old school, that if you went to someone's house for a holiday, you took a gift). I planted it in the middle of my front flower bed. I am NOT a gardener, like she was, don't like it, don't care to be in the dirt :) -  so I don't take care of anything in the beds, yard, etc. If it grows, it grows - if not - oh, well. But that little lily grew every spring & bloomed (with certainly no help from me - no water, no fertilizer). This year it didn't come up...nothing. I was very sad, since this was a sign of her each Spring. Of course, I don't know how long lilies are suppose to stay alive, this one was probably 10 years old at least, so it had probably run it's life course.

But on Easter, here came Sara with a lily. She had purchased them from her church to have at the front for Easter. One in honor of me & one in memory of Mother (she kept that one).

So, even though Mother's lily was gone, Sara took up the tradition (not knowing that mine had died) and now I have that lily back again to bloom in the same place each year. So I can continue to see Mother through Sara. Very nice. I will not be sad now, next Spring, when I see that blank space in my flower bed...it will be filled with a new lily.

She is still with us, taking care of everybody, even from Heaven.



                                                                      Sara's Lily

This is my mother Willie Edith Evett Smith - probably taken in the 70's. They were having an "Old Fashion/Prairie" day at church & she made this dress & bonnet to wear. This was my mother in a nutshell - made her own clothes & ALWAYS had her dogs around her. She was a very special lady & I miss her more than I can say.

5/3/11 - A Revelation of Grace...

On Sunday, May 1, Pastor Ben's sermon was "Doubts and Fears". 

New sermon posted: "Doubts and Fears" http://bit.ly/l5HFGh   

(just in case you want to go there & hear this).

I think he wrote this sermon for me...he doesn't know that, but he did.

Normally I don't take notes in church, I just listen, but for some reason on Sunday, before he even started,  I felt the need to write down what he was going to say. What I wrote is greatly paraphrased in some cases, (sorry Ben) but here is the idea.

"Fear" - "God will give you victory over it. You will not have a spirit of fear but of power & love.- Mary was so caught up in her fears when she came to the open/empty tomb that she missed the Presence of Jesus. Our fears overwhelm His Presence." - "Jesus' Presence overwhelms our fears and gives us the faith to go forward despite our fears." 

"Write fears down and give them over to God." "Transform our fears into trusting Him." "To fear God is to Trust Him - He is the authority of this life." 

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." - 

ll Timothy 1:7 (Amplified Bible - Lockman)

"The more I experience the presence of fear - the less I am experiencing a Presence with God."

"If we live in the presence of fear - God can not transform us & use us for His Glory."

"Look fear in the face and say - I am an over-comer & will not live in fear anymore."

And then here was my "AH-HA" moment..."Fear is Satan's way of choking the joy out of life."

And here is the reason why:    I was afraid...everyday. I wrote several posts back that I don't have a problem with nighttime - like you would think I would. Most people assume that night is the worst time for your brain getting away from you & off on tangents that are negative, so negative. But that is not the case with me...mornings are the worst. The minute I open my eyes & realize it is morning, my brain kicks into gear & I think about what is going on with my life & all the negative feelings that I stuff down during the day - are right there in my face and my mind. 

Every morning was a gloom & doom morning, I could not shake those feelings. Once I was up & busy, I could focus on other things, but early mornings have been the time I dread the most. Before all this cancer stuff happened - early mornings were the time that I woke up & sort of planned out my day. After this happened...there was no more planning, only worry & doom. I would put on a "happy" face for others & sometimes believed it myself, but mornings would always roll back around & there I was again.

Since I don't have time for a "quiet time" on Sunday mornings before church, I read ahead in my quiet time books on Saturdays and on Saturday, May 1 (exactly one month from my first visit with the oncologist) - this is what I read in my "Jesus Calling" book:

"You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. "Here and Now" comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time or place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace."

Wow! 

Ok, so I read this & thought, "yes, that's what I'm striving for." And thought I was getting there... slowly, but getting there.

Then I heard the sermon & the "AH-HA" moment:  "Fear is Satan's way of choking the joy out of life."

That afternoon, we went to see Sara & I was joyful - I can't explain it, I just had no doubts, no fears of my future. I have good days & bad, so I just assumed that this was a good day. Sang some great songs in church, had lunch with my husband, saw my daughter - good stuff ...

But an amazing thing happened to me on Monday morning - I woke up & those "gloom & doom" thoughts... weren't there...nothing - not - "I'll just push them out of my head", not - "I'll think about something else, something better"...no - they just weren't there. And then, I got up and read my books & this was one of the scriptures for the day: "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.  My purpose is to give life, in all it's fullness." John 10:10

My ah-ha moment was this: for all my trust in God, for all my "church-going" knowledge, for all my faith in prayers & grace... it had never crossed my mind that ALL these negative "gloom & doom" thoughts were coming from anyone but me...from my mind. Never thought about Satan being involved...How cunning  that not only did he put these thoughts in my head, but he kept me from realizing where they were coming from!!

Then another gift from God... as I contemplated my thoughts & feelings yesterday morning, I stood in the kitchen making coffee & I started to hum a tune (not unusual for me - most of the time it is something we are working on in choir that's going over & over in my head)...I didn't even realize what I was humming, until the words started to come out, too.

"Oh the Joy that floods my soul - Something happened and now I know - He touched me and made me whole." 

I stood in the kitchen in front of my coffee pot & thanked God for His "Revelation of Grace"

My mornings have changed...yesterday & today, I have opened my eyes & joy has washed over me...absolutely no "gloom & doom" - it's just gone - that's the only way I can explain it.

I still have a lot of trials ahead with treatments & sickness/tiredness from the treatments, but I now have God's promise in my soul that I will be healthy & whole again. That I will have many years to work for Him & use this time in my life as a testimony for others to learn from & to gain encouragement from.

He is growing me everyday & I am thankfully walking this road now, knowing that I am closer to Him than I have ever been & that I have a much bigger job to do once I come out on the other side.

 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.

They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23 (King James Version)

This is especially true for me....His mercies are new every morning.