4/29/11 Hills and Valleys...

This has been a bad week for me...not physically but mentally.

I can have a really good, up-beat day (in my head) and the next day it's back down to the valley. :(

No reason...just my brain kicking in & trying to take control - analyzing each pain, each twinge, each commercial that talks about cancer, death, dying....

Some days I am very optimistic, other days not so much. 

But each morning I read from my three books, "Jesus Calling", "Moments of Peace in the Morning" and my Read in a year Bible. And every morning, God shows up.

Yesterday & the day before were particularly bad mornings & I read this:

On Wednesday:  "Jesus Calling"

"Come to Me with empty hands and an open heart, ready to receive abundant blessings. I know the depth and breadth of your neediness. Your life-path has been difficult, draining you of strength. Come to Me for nurture. Let Me fill you up with My Presence: I in you and you in Me.

My Power flows most freely into weak ones aware of their need for Me. Faltering steps of dependence are not lack of faith; they are links to My Presence".

On Thursday:  "Jesus Calling" (part of the devotion):

"You must make your choices one at a time, since each is contingent upon the decision that precedes it. Instead of trying to create a mental map of your path through this day, focus on My loving Presence with you. I will equip you as you go, so that you can handle whatever comes your way. Trust Me to supply what you need when you need it".

Yesterday in my "Moments of Peace in the Morning":

"Out of the Deep"

Difficult days come unexpectedly - like a flood. You cannot plan for them; neither can you prepare for  how they affect you. Though outside, unexpected forces may be their cause, they mainly come through the common things of life. It is the abundance of small, daily problems that can inundate your soul.

Even as the waters of adversity rage, remember that God is your great lifeguard and that He is able to rescue you. Turn each problem - each drowning drop of difficulty - over to Him this morning. Surely He will lift you out of the overwhelming waters and bring you out to a spacious place where you can breathe".

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; He pulled me out of deep waters". 2 Samuel 21:17 

*********************

I am learning so much through this life event. God shows me something new everyday and helps me remember why I am here.

It has been almost a month since I first saw Dr. Parker on April 1st. I am still here...

This month I have spent time with my family on Easter, talked to my sons on the phone several times, spent time with my daughter and time with my husband. I have had friends & family over to celebrate Steve's 60th birthday. I have found out that I will be in the delivery room when my darling granddaughter is born & have decided to change my treatments to start after she is safely here.

I have prayed and sang and cried with my church family and received flowers & cards from them. I have laughed at jokes, laughed at TV shows, walked out into beautiful Spring mornings with sunshine and moved through gray, happy to have it - rainy days. I have washed dishes, washed laundry, made my bed, taken showers, watered my plants and made dinners. I have done all this & more this month & I am still here. 

Physically I feel fine, except I'm a little more tired than I was last month & my neck hurts a little more, but other than that, I feel fine. Until you stop & count up everything you do in a month, you don't realize how busy you are with your life. These days I will never take for granted again. I will laugh more, spend more time with friends & family, walk outside more to notice the beautiful day - sunshine or rain. I will remember all of this is a gift from God & appreciate all that I have. Everyday that passes is a gift & I will enjoy each moment.

It's been a month since I found out what is going on in my body & I am still here. God has given me this month, just as He gives me this day & tomorrow & next week. At the end of each day - I realize that I have made it through another day - not "sick", just made it. None of us know how many days we have, so we must take advantage of all of them - sick or well, happy or sad. 

He has given me this day to use for His glory... I hope I have done that today.

4/25/11 Visit with Dr. Parker and a Woman's Prerogative

"Make me your focal point as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to me. Circumstances are in flux and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence and your steps will be steady and sure". - Jesus Calling devotion page for 4/25/11

I read this yesterday morning before I started my day.

Dr. visit - 3:15 - Monday 4/25.

I spent the day running errands for Steve's 60th birthday celebration. A good thing - gave me less time to think about the Dr. appt. coming up in the afternoon.

But that time finally did come & as we drove to the office and as we waited for Dr. Parker, my mind was whirling,  just like the passage said. Good things, bad things...back & forth. I was a jumble of nerves & apprehension.

When Dr. Parker came in, he looked over the scans...

heart scan - normal

blood work - normal

PET scan - not normal, but nothing that he didn't expect (or at least that's the way he spoke about it).

I have enlarged & ( infected??) lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, under my arms, down through the middle of my chest & my bone marrow. Bone marrow?? - that sounded scary... :(  ... but he assured us that this was NOT unusual, since the B-cell lymphoma is a blood cancer - it goes where ever the blood goes.

All that sounds BAD & tragic & life threatening, but here is the "good" news, if there is good news when you have cancer...

1) I don't have any lymphoma activity in my organs - a good thing

2) I DO have a small problem in my bone marrow BUT my blood work is normal - a good thing

3) The cancer that is there - in all the lymph nodes where it showed up - is very slight, only a trace or almost non-existent right now, which is considered Stage 4 -A - also a good thing

"Now", he says, "What do we do about that?" - yes- my question...

His reply - "We can either start treatment now" - Yes please - do that!! - "or hold off for a few weeks & monitor your blood & do more scans to see how the lymphoma is progressing. If we start treatments now, there may not be enough cancer for the chemo to actually work on". - don't care - start now!!

Dr. Parker - "It's your decision to make".

Decision made, we start treatments on Wed. - a set of 3 - one every 3 weeks & see if anything changes - if it doesn't, then the cancer is not aggressive enough yet & the chemo will just slide right off it. So then we wait for a few weeks to see if things are changing - blood work, scans, symptoms and then begin again. If it is working, then we/he decides on 3 more treatments or 5 more treatments, depending on how things are going.

That was my initial response - just get started...so that's what we decided to do. We set up the treatments. Then I talked to Christopher & Brittany last night ( son & daughter-in-law that are having my granddaughter in about a month) and find out that I am being invited to be in the delivery room for the birth.  :)

So now for the "woman's prerogative" part-  Then the debate in my head began...what if the treatment is the day she goes to the hospital? (My 2nd treatment was scheduled for her due date)...what if we get the baby call on the 10th day after treatment, when I can't be around ANYONE? -especially all the sick people in a hospital... what if I'm too sick or tired to enjoy this miracle?... how will I look in the photos with no hair :) ...(no, not really worried about that one).

Anyway, I listed pros & cons in my head & decided that I would be less stressed if I knew I could enjoy this new grandbaby whenever she decides to come & then start treatments after she is safely here & I have had time to spend with her. WHEW! A weight lifted off my shoulders!

Even if I started the treatments tomorrow, there is no guarantee that they will really help this early in the process, so I might be doing them for nothing, except tiredness, sickness, hair loss, etc. and not be able to fully enjoy my sweet new baby. And since Dr. Parker said we could wait for a month or two or maybe even three or more, depending on how busy these little buggers get, I didn't feel like I was putting myself in any danger.

So that's what we know for now. More than I did know, but less than I had hoped for. Nothing really concrete - like:

Here they are - big & black & ugly - waiting for treatment to knock them out. 

No - here they are - sort of , but not really yet, hiding in wait to jump out & attack... sometime.

Maybe God has given me time to enjoy Emma's birth, before I have to start this fight - so for that I am grateful.

Because this was the passage from the little "Jesus Calling" book for today, as I struggled with making the decision to start treatments or hold off & as I struggled again with the actuality of the whole health situation - 

"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters.

My children tend to sleep walk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up & see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you".

Amazing how much God understands of the beings created in His image... He is my God and I love Him for His peace and mercy and understanding of my situation. I have decided to make this cancer problem a ladder.

4/22/11 - PET Scan Day...

First of all, it was a very early morning for me & my sweet husband, who rarely gets a day off & NEVER gets a day off that he can sleep in...today would have been that day (he is off work), but he drug himself out of bed to go with me to the PET scan at 7:45. What a guy!!

The first hour was nice (except for the needle in my arm) that was filled with a sugar solution that the technician said would go straight to the cancer (since I didn't feed it any sugar or carbs yesterday - also a hard thing to do - or NOT do - actually).  She said "it" would be hungry, so the sugar would go there & that's what the PET scan would read.    Interesting... makes it sound like a living entity, which of course, I guess it is. 

So the first hour, I sat in a tiny room in the dark with my remote control for the TV, in a heated lounge chair with my feet up & a nice blanket thrown over me. Like being at a spa, if you don't stop to think where you really are.

After that hour & with the sugar solution coursing through my body, we moved to a nice, balmy 60 degree room & THE SCANNER. She put the radio on to the "oldies" channel - hummmm...trying to tell me something, I guess, and she had me lie down on the scanner bed. She again draped me in a blanket & wrapped it around my feet, then pulled a "wrap" around my arms to "bind" them to the sides of my body. It's a good thing I'm not claustrophobic. She said this would take about 30-35 minutes. DON'T MOVE....but you can blink...I thought that was pretty funny.

So I started counting songs - figuring they were approximately 3 minutes long...4 songs down - 12-13 minutes - almost half way done. A lot of commercials, news, weather, another song or two...and she was back to "unwrap" me. Easy, peasy.

Heaven only knows what that hour and a half cost...to my insurance company & 20% to me, I guess...not looking forward to THAT bill...

But it's done & now again, we wait...for the rest of Friday & the weekend. Then to the Dr on Monday at 3:15 for the verdict. At least with Easter this weekend, the days will go by faster...but not fast enough.

To all of you that read this - have a wonderful Christ-filled Easter Sunday....spend as much time with your family and friends as you can. They are so precious & such a gift from God. If the ham burns or 4 people bring deviled eggs & nothing else or your mother-in-law, brother I-L, sister I-L, etc etc. drive you crazy this Sunday...just sit back & listen to the sounds of family...it is God's most precious gift to us here on earth. Enjoy every loud "exchange", every whiny kid's voice, every single second of the day. 

I know that's what I am going to do. 

Happy Easter.

4/21/11 Prayers have been answered...

After waiting for almost 3 weeks for insurance approval for the PET scan, I called the Dr. office this morning to find out if they had heard from the ins. co, since I am scheduled for the PET scan in the morning. They called me back & said since they had not heard from them, they called this morning & YES, they did approve it, but no one bothered to call, they were going to send out a letter to the Dr. office this week & let them know!!! What is wrong with those people!! BUT, the good news is - that it HAS been approved & I am scheduled for tomorrow morning at 7:45.

This is good news, but also a little scary, since I see the oncologist on Monday afternoon to go over the heart scan (from yesterday) and the PET scan, to see what the next move will be.

The heart scan I think, will be ok. My heart is pretty strong & I don't see any problems from that. (Had to do this scan to make sure my heart would be strong enough for the treatments). 

But, even though I have been waiting for 3 weeks to do the PET scan, now that it is time, I am afraid. What will they find? How long will treatment be? What if they find more than the lymphoma? These are the things I think about at 5:30 or 6:00am, when I wake up before daylight. I think of that old saying..."it is always darkest before the dawn" and that is really true for me. Nighttime/bedtime is not my worst time. By the time I go to bed, I am usually so tired, that I fall right to sleep. But mornings...well that's different. I have nothing to do but think...and my mind always goes to the negative. Once I'm up & doing things around the house, those thoughts fade away. My mind is filled with the work I need to do, my business, the laundry, the dishes, etc. 

But those early morning hours are the worst... 

I do my quite time in the morning when I first get up, so sometimes I think God is calling me to that, as I lie in bed & go to that negative place, because once I'm out of bed, my mind thinks in a different direction. My friend Shelley brought me a book a couple of days ago, "Jesus Calling". Thank you, Shelley. It's a beautiful little book, inside & out. It's laid out on daily readings, just like my Bible & my little quiet time book of devotions & scriptures.

She had it marked to the 19th (the day she brought it), but since my quiet time is in the mornings, I started reading it the next day - the 20th. 

Here is the first paragraph from that day - "DO NOT BE AFRAID, for I am with you. Hear me saying Peace, be still to your restless heart. No matter what happens, I will never leave you or forsake you. Let this assurance soak into your mind and heart, until you overflow with Joy. Though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, you need not fear!"

God is teaching me everyday through this journey. I am praying that the scan will not show other lymphomas or anything else or if there are others, that they will be treatable or better yet, curable. I can't fix this, I can only pray & ask God to still my heart & my mind, so I can find peace with all of this. 

This is my struggle everyday...

So, fingers crossed & lots of prayers that the results from the scan will be what we want. I have so much to do before God calls me home...I want those years.

4/16/11 - A small victory...

On Wednesday, I went to see my regular Doctor for a yearly check-up. Blood work & "ladies stuff" - you know. Before, when I went for these tests (as much as I HATE having the 2nd one done),  it was never anything I was concerned with. I was healthy & didn't have any health problems that I was aware of, so when I left each time & they told me it would be a couple of days before they called with the results, I never thought much about it... for those 2 or 3 days.

This year was different. I had the tests done, left the office & that was really all that was on my mind for the next 2 days. Really 2 days of misery.

When you are "sick", every little pain or ache could be something else. I have lived with pain for most of my life. I was diagnosed with arthritis when I was 18, so pain is part of my daily life. But now, all of a sudden, every ache & pain is magnified...this could be something...I haven't felt THIS pain before...and on & on. So the last 2 days, waiting for the test results was agonizing. And to make matters worse, they did call yesterday around 3:00...on my cell phone. I was home, so I never hear my cell phone ring at home. I happened to check my phone (of course, it was around 7:00 PM - office closed) & saw that there was a message that they had the results of the test & to please call. I didn't get much sleep last night & could hardly wait for 8:00AM to come this morning, so I could make that call.

But - and here's the small victory - I did call & I did talk to the nurse & all of the tests were normal...I could not stop smiling...the weight on my shoulders completely lifted...I was almost giddy... 

We had choir practice this morning to work on the music for tomorrow morning & I sang my little heart out.

I know that I still have a LOT of challenges to face with all the tests & treatments that will be coming up, but today was a victorious day for me...another set of tests - met & conquered... It was a good day.

Thank you Lord for small victories in the midst of the battle. I am grateful..

4/8/11 - An amazing thing happened today...

I am always upset in the early Spring when everyone else's Redbud is blooming & ours, in the front yard, still looks like winter is here. It has always bloomed later than most of the others in the neighborhood, but today I'm glad that's the case with our beautiful Redbud.

As I walked outside this afternoon, an amazing thing was happening...all around our Redbud were monarchs. I guess they are on the move back north for the summer...although I have never seen them migrating in the spring or the fall. I looked around the neighboring houses & to my surprise - not a butterfly in site, in anyone else's yard. Just ours...just enjoying the blossoms on our beautiful Redbud tree.

Had ours been like the others, the blooms would have all been gone already, replaced by tiny leaves & the monarchs would have moved on. I stood under our tree, surrounded by one of God's most beautiful & amazing creatures and felt like God was speaking to me...that this was a sign from Him.

In only a short time, they had moved on, so there had only been a very small window of opportunity to see them. If I hadn't walked out at that moment, if Steve hadn't come home right then & pointed them out to me, if our sweet Redbud was not a late bloomer ~ this miracle of nature would have passed me by & God's reminder to me would not have happened.

Standing under that tree, looking up at all of these delicate winged messengers, knowing the odds & perils that they face on their journey of migration, I was strengthened.   If God can care for these tiny, delicate creatures & see that they arrive safely at their destination ...how much more will He do for me?

I came back in and looked up "symbolism of the butterfly". The following passages are taken from two websites:

"The butterfly served to remind me of how beautiful, delicate and fragile life can be, so that we should remember to appreciate and be grateful for each moment".

and this:

"The Mandarin Chinese word for butterfly is "hu-tieh". "Tieh" means "70 years", therefore butterflies have become a symbol for a long life".

Thank you God...I am listening.

4/7/11 - At last some possible progress...

Went to the Oncologist office yesterday to do the blood work. Afterward, I talked to Marcia - the scheduler. She is as frustrated as I am (well maybe not AS frustrated) about the insurance hold up, but she has scheduled me for Wed. April 20th for the heart echo (at Mercy Heart Hospital) and then tentatively scheduled me for the PET scan (body scan) on Good Friday, the 22nd. She says if the nurse does not hear from the insurance company by the 21st, they will call me to re-schedule for (hopefully) sometime the following week.

IF everything goes through as planned, I will see Dr. Parker again on Monday (the day after Easter) - which is also Steve's 60th birthday... happy birthday...  :( 

IF I am able to see Dr. Parker on Monday the 25th, Marcia said she didn't see any reason that we couldn't start the treatment sometime that week, but that would be up to the Dr.

So if all goes as planned, having a party for Steve the following weekend probably won't happen...wasn't going to do anything big, just family & a few friends, but guess that will have to wait a week or two after, unless I am not too tired or too sick OR of course unless the insurance co. is still dragging their feet.

Being "sick" certainly does put a crimp in your everyday routine & I'm not even into the "heavy" stuff yet. So if any of you think about it on April 25, you might give my sweet husband a call or send a text message.

(W) 848-0070   (C) 996-0231.

But not around 3:15 - he will be at the Dr. office with me...we can only hope.

Please continue to pray that the insurance co. will come through & all of the scheduling will not be in vane.

I am ready to get this started, so I can get it finished.

4/4/11 - Pray about Insurance

Just a small post now. Got a call from the oncologist's office. I am scheduled for blood work on Wed. and they are setting up an appt. for heart scan (at Mercy Heart Hospital), but here is the prayer need for today.

The office tells me that the time frame on the body scan ...are you ready?? Probably 3 weeks (maybe 15 days if we're lucky). Why? Insurance - the girl I talked to said it is very frustrating for her too, but Blue Cross will not approve the body scan, until they have looked at all the paper work - 2-3 weeks from now. She said she was going to tell them that we needed this ASAP, but not to hope for too much. So this is my prayer need- that someone in that office will realize that this could be their mother, sister, wife, etc. & know how hard it is to wait for 3 weeks for something that only takes a signature.

Patience...patience...patience...

4/4/11 - A walk of faith

In church yesterday, Pastor Ben talked about faith. A timely sermon for me. I am finding that there are all sorts of avenues for faith. Faith that there is a cure, faith that the doctors know what they are doing, faith that I can get through one day & then the next. But what it all boils down to is letting God be in charge of my life & this situation. 

For any of you that know me well, you know that I don't like to relinquish control of any situation. I am the "do-er", not the "wait & see if someone else will take care of something" person. There is a kind of peace in knowing though that I MUST let God take over this one...that I am not in control.

Would I like to go in this week & find out that the cancer is gone? - sure, but if not, then I will walk through this to the end, with God holding me up & my friends & family beside me.

I watched a movie last night with Jim Carrey called "Yes Man". For those of you that don't know the story - he goes to an event where the speaker tells them that if they want "all there is in life" then they must say "yes" to every situation. He takes it to heart & does exactly that. There are good things & bad that come from saying "yes" to everything, but of course, since it's a movie, it all ends on a happy note. It started me thinking - I feel like I do a lot as a Christian - I teach Sunday School, I sing in the choir, I help with certain events...but for the most part I don't say yes to many things. I have really been just "walking through" my life,

I work from home - so I don't feel like a "work-aholic", but there are many times that I turn down invitations, because I feel like I need to work. I intend to live my life from now on. Accepting invitations from friends for coffee or "girls nights", etc. I have so many wonderful women friends that I really don't spend time with, because I am too "busy". That will end - so Pam & Alicia, I intend to become more active in the women's ministry. Even if it is a "game night" (which I really don't care for), I am realizing that it is not WHAT you do, but WHO you do it with. Spending time with Godly women is a blessing & I should not pass it up. Plus I think God has given me talents & abilities that I am not utilizing to the full extent that could be used in this ministry to help other women.

Well, that's what I learned from watching a movie last night...more than I ever expected.

God is finding small ways to show me that my life is something that I should hold very dear. That I am blessed beyond belief with wonderful old, dear friends from my past, sweet friends from church & wonderful supportive family members, that all have my best interest and my health & well being in their thoughts & prayers everyday.

I'm starting to get it...

4/1/11 - After today's Dr's appt.

Saw the new oncologist today. I really like him.

He gave me the straight facts about this & is planning to schedule a full body scan early in the week. He did an exam - felt under my arms, the other side of my neck, my liver, spleen, my groin and said everything was "soft & squishy" which is what the nodes are suppose to feel like. Whereas the one in the left side of my neck is hard & rubbery - not good. 

He is going to talk to the pathologist the first of next week to find out exactly what kind of lymphoma this is. That will determine the treatment, how much & how long. He also said that if he did not get a clear answer on the type, he will just cut out this lymph node & check it that way, but he will try to keep from cutting.

Good prognosis for this kind of cancer. He was very hopeful that this can be cured or at least brought to remission & then after several years of remission - you are considered cured.

It was a bad week - but after this appt - I was so relieved that we decided to go out to dinner & to a movie! It was good to get out of the house with Sara & Steve.

I am so thankful for EVERYONE that has written or called to let me know they are praying for me & for our family. I know God is listening - He has lightened my burden. I am hopeful.