"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11
"Out of the fullness of His Grace, He has blessed us all, giving us one blessing after another." John 1:16
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me. I have been sick with a really bad head/chest cold since a couple of days after Christmas. I'm pretty sure that's the reason I have been more achy & SO much more tired (I feel like I could sleep all day, every day). But when you have been "sick", the way I have been sick for the last 9 months, you mind always races to the most negative thoughts. Maybe the bone marrow biopsy is inconclusive because the lymphoma is still there, maybe it has come back in the rest of my body...on & on.
After I had the 4th treatment in August, I was my normal achy self for about a month, then at the end of September, when I hadn't had a treatment for almost two months, I felt great...very few aches, a lot of energy - more than I have had in years.
SO I was hoping that December would be the same. Of course, I had to have the shots in my stomach after the 5th treatment to boost my white count, so I could have the bone marrow biopsy in December and those made me more achy than I thought was humanly possible to be!
So I thought maybe that's why I wasn't "bouncing back" with all this energy that I had in September, then December came & I was busy decorating & shopping & cooking and I thought that's why I wasn't bouncing back. Then I got sick right after Christmas and that has been my life for the last two weeks - coughing, runny nose, sore throat, etc. etc.. Since my immune system is down, I'm sure this hit me harder & longer than it would have otherwise, but finally it just got the best of me...yesterday.
All day long, my thoughts turned to the negative...I was sad, teary-eyed, depressed, basically a miserable human being...
Then this morning, I sat down to do my quiet time. This is the order that I read my books - "Jesus Calling", "Beth Moore", "Moments of Peace for the Morning" and then my "One Year Bible".
Right off, God spoke to me in the "Jesus Calling" book:
"I am able to do far beyond all that you ask or imagine. Come to Me with positive expectations, knowing that there is no limit to what I can accomplish. Ask My Spirit to control your mind, so that you can think great thoughts of Me. Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is the trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation. Instead of letting difficulties draw you into worrying, try to view them as setting the scene for My glorious intervention. Keep your eyes and your mind wide open to all that I am doing in your life."
And the Bible verses that go with today (in that book) - also were so relevant to me:
"Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May He be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen" Ephesians 3:20-21
"If your sinful nature controls your mind, there is death. But if the Holy Spirit controls your mind, there is life and peace." Romans 8:6
"Even youths will become exhausted and young men will give up. But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:30-31
Ok, I'm starting (again) to see the pattern...
Then, I read the "Beth Moore" devotion book for January 6. She writes: "We are wise to remind one another never to forget who we are and never to forget who we're not."
and
"Help me to be humble before You, Lord, because the life of the proud will eventually and undoubtedly become very hard."
Now my problem is not pride, but it is stubbornness sometimes ~ trying to take care of problems alone, without calling on God for help. I realized that I had suffered all through the day, yesterday & never once thought to ask for help getting through the day...
I forgot...
it wasn't that I didn't think it was important enough to ask for help...
I just forgot to ask...
I have been doing so much better & really feel, most of the time, that I am in complete remission, that I had forgotten that I can ask for help - not only with the huge things that weigh me down, but with the tiny things, too. Just feeling bad, sort of depressed, a little scared - not from anything that really has happened, but just from my own mind, playing up the "sick" card - over & over again yesterday...just because I have not gotten my strength back yet (probably just from this cold). That sneaky little devil really finds your weakest spot & goes in for the kill, doesn't he?
"Then Jesus said, Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly and the burden I give you is light." Matthew 11:28-30
I sat in my quiet time place and cried & ask for forgiveness that I had "forgotten" to ask for help. He is so eager and willing to help us in every situation and many times we forget, because it is not a "big" issue, something we feel like we can handle or work out on our own. But I have to put myself into His place ~ if it was one of my children & they had a small problem, wouldn't I want to be there for them, to walk with them through it, to hold their hand, to give advice?? How much more does He want to do for us, our Heavenly Father? I think it hurts Him when we don't ask for help or "forget" to ask, like I did yesterday. How much better my day would have gone, if I had only thought to ask.
After I finally figured this out & went on with my reading, in the next devotion book "Moments of Peace for the Morning", I read this:
"One of God's wonderful attributes is that He does not change - which is why you can have absolute confidence in Him and patiently wait for whatever He has promised you. God has never misled anyone and He has never failed to fulfill His promise. Though sometimes He will allow you to wait in order to build your faith, His promise remains sure."
and the prayer - "Dear God, this is the light I keep for the dark times - you never change. Thank you for the promises that you are perfecting for me. Amen."
As I have written several times, I had a promise early on, that this journey would come to a positive end for me & that I would be ok. Sometimes I lose sight of that...like yesterday...but He always leads me back, even if I forget to ask.
