"Make me your focal point as you move through this day. Just as a spinning ballerina must keep returning her eyes to a given point to maintain her balance, so you must keep returning your focus to me. Circumstances are in flux and the world seems to be whirling around you. The only way to keep your balance is to fix your eyes on me, the One who never changes. If you gaze too long at your circumstances, you will become dizzy and confused. Look to Me, refreshing yourself in My Presence and your steps will be steady and sure". - Jesus Calling devotion page for 4/25/11
I read this yesterday morning before I started my day.
Dr. visit - 3:15 - Monday 4/25.
I spent the day running errands for Steve's 60th birthday celebration. A good thing - gave me less time to think about the Dr. appt. coming up in the afternoon.
But that time finally did come & as we drove to the office and as we waited for Dr. Parker, my mind was whirling, just like the passage said. Good things, bad things...back & forth. I was a jumble of nerves & apprehension.
When Dr. Parker came in, he looked over the scans...
heart scan - normal
blood work - normal
PET scan - not normal, but nothing that he didn't expect (or at least that's the way he spoke about it).
I have enlarged & ( infected??) lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, under my arms, down through the middle of my chest & my bone marrow. Bone marrow?? - that sounded scary... :( ... but he assured us that this was NOT unusual, since the B-cell lymphoma is a blood cancer - it goes where ever the blood goes.
All that sounds BAD & tragic & life threatening, but here is the "good" news, if there is good news when you have cancer...
1) I don't have any lymphoma activity in my organs - a good thing
2) I DO have a small problem in my bone marrow BUT my blood work is normal - a good thing
3) The cancer that is there - in all the lymph nodes where it showed up - is very slight, only a trace or almost non-existent right now, which is considered Stage 4 -A - also a good thing
"Now", he says, "What do we do about that?" - yes- my question...
His reply - "We can either start treatment now" - Yes please - do that!! - "or hold off for a few weeks & monitor your blood & do more scans to see how the lymphoma is progressing. If we start treatments now, there may not be enough cancer for the chemo to actually work on". - don't care - start now!!
Dr. Parker - "It's your decision to make".
Decision made, we start treatments on Wed. - a set of 3 - one every 3 weeks & see if anything changes - if it doesn't, then the cancer is not aggressive enough yet & the chemo will just slide right off it. So then we wait for a few weeks to see if things are changing - blood work, scans, symptoms and then begin again. If it is working, then we/he decides on 3 more treatments or 5 more treatments, depending on how things are going.
That was my initial response - just get started...so that's what we decided to do. We set up the treatments. Then I talked to Christopher & Brittany last night ( son & daughter-in-law that are having my granddaughter in about a month) and find out that I am being invited to be in the delivery room for the birth. :)
So now for the "woman's prerogative" part- Then the debate in my head began...what if the treatment is the day she goes to the hospital? (My 2nd treatment was scheduled for her due date)...what if we get the baby call on the 10th day after treatment, when I can't be around ANYONE? -especially all the sick people in a hospital... what if I'm too sick or tired to enjoy this miracle?... how will I look in the photos with no hair :) ...(no, not really worried about that one).
Anyway, I listed pros & cons in my head & decided that I would be less stressed if I knew I could enjoy this new grandbaby whenever she decides to come & then start treatments after she is safely here & I have had time to spend with her. WHEW! A weight lifted off my shoulders!
Even if I started the treatments tomorrow, there is no guarantee that they will really help this early in the process, so I might be doing them for nothing, except tiredness, sickness, hair loss, etc. and not be able to fully enjoy my sweet new baby. And since Dr. Parker said we could wait for a month or two or maybe even three or more, depending on how busy these little buggers get, I didn't feel like I was putting myself in any danger.
So that's what we know for now. More than I did know, but less than I had hoped for. Nothing really concrete - like:
Here they are - big & black & ugly - waiting for treatment to knock them out.
No - here they are - sort of , but not really yet, hiding in wait to jump out & attack... sometime.
Maybe God has given me time to enjoy Emma's birth, before I have to start this fight - so for that I am grateful.
Because this was the passage from the little "Jesus Calling" book for today, as I struggled with making the decision to start treatments or hold off & as I struggled again with the actuality of the whole health situation -
"Welcome problems as perspective-lifters.
My children tend to sleep walk through their days until they bump into an obstacle that stymies them. If you encounter a problem with no immediate solution, your response to that situation will take you either up or down. You can lash out at the difficulty, resenting it and feeling sorry for yourself. This will take you down into a pit of self-pity. Alternatively, the problem can be a ladder, enabling you to climb up & see your life from My perspective. Viewed from above, the obstacle that frustrated you is only a light and momentary trouble. Once your perspective has been heightened, you can look away from the problem altogether. Turn toward Me and see the Light of My Presence shining upon you".
Amazing how much God understands of the beings created in His image... He is my God and I love Him for His peace and mercy and understanding of my situation. I have decided to make this cancer problem a ladder.
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