On Sunday, May 1, Pastor Ben's sermon was "Doubts and Fears".
"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control." -
"The more I experience the presence of fear - the less I am experiencing a Presence with God."
"If we live in the presence of fear - God can not transform us & use us for His Glory."
"Look fear in the face and say - I am an over-comer & will not live in fear anymore."
And then here was my "AH-HA" moment..."Fear is Satan's way of choking the joy out of life."
And here is the reason why: I was afraid...everyday. I wrote several posts back that I don't have a problem with nighttime - like you would think I would. Most people assume that night is the worst time for your brain getting away from you & off on tangents that are negative, so negative. But that is not the case with me...mornings are the worst. The minute I open my eyes & realize it is morning, my brain kicks into gear & I think about what is going on with my life & all the negative feelings that I stuff down during the day - are right there in my face and my mind.
Every morning was a gloom & doom morning, I could not shake those feelings. Once I was up & busy, I could focus on other things, but early mornings have been the time I dread the most. Before all this cancer stuff happened - early mornings were the time that I woke up & sort of planned out my day. After this happened...there was no more planning, only worry & doom. I would put on a "happy" face for others & sometimes believed it myself, but mornings would always roll back around & there I was again.
Since I don't have time for a "quiet time" on Sunday mornings before church, I read ahead in my quiet time books on Saturdays and on Saturday, May 1 (exactly one month from my first visit with the oncologist) - this is what I read in my "Jesus Calling" book:
"You are on the path of My choosing. There is no randomness about your life. "Here and Now" comprise the coordinates of your daily life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time or place. They forget that they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.
Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace."
Wow!
Ok, so I read this & thought, "yes, that's what I'm striving for." And thought I was getting there... slowly, but getting there.
Then I heard the sermon & the "AH-HA" moment: "Fear is Satan's way of choking the joy out of life."
That afternoon, we went to see Sara & I was joyful - I can't explain it, I just had no doubts, no fears of my future. I have good days & bad, so I just assumed that this was a good day. Sang some great songs in church, had lunch with my husband, saw my daughter - good stuff ...
But an amazing thing happened to me on Monday morning - I woke up & those "gloom & doom" thoughts... weren't there...nothing - not - "I'll just push them out of my head", not - "I'll think about something else, something better"...no - they just weren't there. And then, I got up and read my books & this was one of the scriptures for the day: "The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give life, in all it's fullness." John 10:10
My ah-ha moment was this: for all my trust in God, for all my "church-going" knowledge, for all my faith in prayers & grace... it had never crossed my mind that ALL these negative "gloom & doom" thoughts were coming from anyone but me...from my mind. Never thought about Satan being involved...How cunning that not only did he put these thoughts in my head, but he kept me from realizing where they were coming from!!
Then another gift from God... as I contemplated my thoughts & feelings yesterday morning, I stood in the kitchen making coffee & I started to hum a tune (not unusual for me - most of the time it is something we are working on in choir that's going over & over in my head)...I didn't even realize what I was humming, until the words started to come out, too.
"Oh the Joy that floods my soul - Something happened and now I know - He touched me and made me whole."
I stood in the kitchen in front of my coffee pot & thanked God for His "Revelation of Grace"
My mornings have changed...yesterday & today, I have opened my eyes & joy has washed over me...absolutely no "gloom & doom" - it's just gone - that's the only way I can explain it.
I still have a lot of trials ahead with treatments & sickness/tiredness from the treatments, but I now have God's promise in my soul that I will be healthy & whole again. That I will have many years to work for Him & use this time in my life as a testimony for others to learn from & to gain encouragement from.
He is growing me everyday & I am thankfully walking this road now, knowing that I am closer to Him than I have ever been & that I have a much bigger job to do once I come out on the other side.
It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23 (King James Version)
This is especially true for me....His mercies are new every morning.
Cheryl, One of the wives of a cancer patient at Dr. Moon's clinic in S. Korea shared something with me and Jackie last fall that I reminded Jackie over and over again: FEAR is False Evidence Appearing Real.
ReplyDeleteRemember that God is in control, that the doctors are instruments but are NOT God, and that you have so much more strength than you think you do ; ) You are going to kick this in the butt!