9/8/11 - Trust and Obey...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Yesterday was a very bad day. 2nd week in a row that I couldn't do Chemo because my white count was too low. (This is the 4th time this has happened). When it happened last week and the other two times before that, I was a little disappointed, but...no big deal, really. Yesterday was a different matter.

First of all let me explain what you go through to get to the point of chemo day. It is not just one day - you plan your month around that day - because:

(1)  The 3rd day after chemo is my worst day, so I have to make sure nothing serious is going on that day, since I usually don't feel like doing anything.

(2)  10 days from chemo day is your "low immune" day, when you can't leave the house, except to do blood work, so that has to be planned out.

(3)   I usually have some pretty good days (the 2nd week after) and some pretty bad days (the 3rd, 4th & 5th days after).

So really the whole month is planned around the "chemo day". Plus you psych yourself up for the treatment day, plan your activities around that day (knowing that you won't be able to do anything else but treatment), you go in for blood work (usually early - at least for me), see the Dr (sometimes) and then have treatment - if you can't do the treatment - it throws your whole schedule off for that day. And you get further & further behind on treatments.

So when I found out yesterday that my white count was too low - again - I was...very discouraged, very depressed, very weepy...all in all...very sad.

Dr. Parker's nurse came into the chemo room yesterday to tell me that ...again...white count too low. Of course she said there was nothing I could do (nothing I could eat, nothing I could drink, no pills to take) to help this situation, this was not affecting my treatments, this was not a set-back as far as treating the cancer, that it was pretty normal & that it can be fixed, either by taking the drug out (next time) that is causing me to hang on to the chemo or with a shot (in the stomach) at the end of the next treatment to help with this problem and that I would have to come in next week, do blood work, talk to the Dr. & then hopefully do the chemo.

Sounds easy, huh? No problem...a small set-back... a bump in the road of treatment...

Not yesterday...last straw, one that broke the camel's back...bla...bla...bla...

It was just too much yesterday. I felt defeated, I felt depressed, I felt like this was my fault, because my body wouldn't cooperate, I felt like I was not going to get better.

And yes, I know, none of this was rational, but for most of the time since I started this journey - I have felt pretty good - really good - compared to some people that are going through the same thing. I don't look sick. Most of the time, I don't feel sick and except for the scarf - no one would know that I am going through chemo treatments and have been for 4 months...sometimes I forget myself. I have really pretty much breezed through this - do blood work, see the Dr., do the treatments, go home, live my life for 3 weeks, then do it all over again. But for the last few weeks that has been changing - treatments are harder & harder to do...my body is not doing what it is suppose to...I am slipping further & further behind.

So yesterday was a bad day ~ full of tears, sadness, sorrow, depression and feeling like God's promise (that I would be well) was maybe something I just made up in my own head, at the beginning of this, to make me feel better.

I went to bed last night & prayed that God would help me through this, that He would show me the promise that I felt like He gave me, that I would feel His presence again. (I had felt for the last several weeks, that I was slipping away from His presence, even though I was doing my quiet time every morning...I could not focus on the words, I could not pray, I could not feel His presence...) I think partly that was because, everything was going along pretty good, no bumps in the road, no major changes to my health - a few small set-backs, but nothing I couldn't handle...until yesterday.

This morning when I woke up, before I got out of bed, I had a song running through my head (that happens sometime when God wants me to hear Him). "Trust and Obey" - "for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus - but to Trust and Obey."

I got up with a longing to do my quiet time, that I had not had in several weeks, to hear His Word, to hear from Him what He wanted me to know.

I have never had a book like my little "Jesus Calling" book. I have written about it so many times on this blog. I am always amazed, each time it happens, how relevant it is to my life that day...You would think I would get it eventually...that God is talking to me through this little book, but I am continually amazed, none the less...I guess I am just a little dense. :)

Here is the devotion for today - Sept. 8th: (I have underlined the words that spoke the most to my needs - yesterday and today) -

"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day, but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence."

Trust and Obey... - I slipped away for a while, because I did not have an urgency for God's Presence...Even though I am in the middle of chemo treatments (which for some people would be a devastating experience)...my life was, for several weeks, uneventful. He pulled me back, thankfully, when I needed Him most - yesterday...a very low day.

Two Bible verses for today:

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God!" - Psalm 42:5

and

"For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing."  - Jeremiah 31:35

I had lost my joy, my thankfulness, my peace and my hope (or at least had misplaced them). God has returned them to me ~ overflowing.

I know there are some who read this, that are in need today - of what I was needing. I hope that God has spoken to you today, too. Because in my other devotion book today, the message was entitled "Write It Down"  - Here is a small part of that:

"There is something about seeing His words to you formed on paper (or blog - (my add-on)) that somehow makes them more real - more possible. You document God's personal promises to you and the certainty of them gives you peace. And if you ever begin to doubt, you can always go back and read them again.

This morning, write down what you learn during your time alone with God. He will certainly bless you through it."

"Then the Lord replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets." - Habakkuk 2:2

and 

"Write the things down you have seen and the things which are and the things which will take place after these things." - Revelations 1:19

I have not written for a while, because my days have been pretty much the same and because God has not given me things to write about. Today there are many things to write about. God has given me promises, peace, joy, hope and thankfulness through His Word. 

I am truly thankful.

8/16/11 - PSALM

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Last weekend was not a good weekend for me. 3rd, 4th, 5th days after treatment are usually pretty rough, but I try to push through. Friday (3rd day after) was very much an ache & pain day. Saturday is usually better, but this time, I was left with no energy/no strength. By Sunday, I am usually doing pretty well, but I was nauseous all night Saturday night, so Sunday dawned on a pretty slow, not very good day.

Our sweet Emma and her parents were here for the weekend, so I was hoping to feel good & be able to enjoy her & spend time with my kids. By Sunday afternoon, I was feeling better, but by then, the weekend was over.

I have bad days & good ones and I will tell you that most of my days are more good than bad. Not great...but ok.

When the bad days come though, I tend to lose my focus on the promises that God has given me. Not that I doubt them, but I am so focused on pain or lack of energy that I can't see past that. I know God is always there, but focus is sometimes lacking & I can't quite get to the promises He has given me for this illness & my life.

So this is where I was on Monday morning when I sat down to do my quiet time.

The first book I read from is "Jesus Calling" and here is the idea of the passage on Monday: "Try to view difficulties as blessings in disguise." 

I immediately thought of the song by Laura Story "Blessings". I love that song. Please listen to it, if you haven't already done so. It will bless your heart, no matter what you are going through.

Two of the verses from "Jesus Calling" (all 3 were from Psalm today) were:

"Morning, noon and night, I plead aloud in my distress and the Lord hears my voice."  Psalm 55:17

and

"O My people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge." Psalm 62:8

Well, that got my attention. I know God is here with me at all times, but your focus tends to waver when pain & weakness fill your world on a certain day (or weekend).

The next devotion book I read from is Beth Moore "Praying God's Word Day by Day"

Here is the page for Monday 8/15 - "We don't become victors by conquering the enemy, but through surrender to Christ, through dependence on God." And the verses - all from Psalm (do you see a pattern developing?). 

She writes the verses as a prayer every day - "I love you, O Lord, my strength! You are my Rock, my Fortress and my Deliverer; You, my God, are my Rock, in whom I take refuge. You are my shield and the horn of my salvation, my Stronghold! I call to You, O Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies!" Psalm 18:1-3

Then my 3rd little book that I read from each morning - "Moments of Peace for the Morning" said this:

Title of page "Blessed is the Believer" - 

"There is so much peace in simply believing and knowing that God will do as He said" (God's promise to me about this illness & my lack of focus on that) "Certainly, it is not always easy to simply rest in God's promises. Your mind will strive to think of every obstacle that could impede you. When you believe - really fully trust - that God will do as He says, you will experience a deep, abiding peace that will truly bless you. You will know His presence and power in a way that will amaze you."

"You are blessed, because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." Luke 1:45

I read from a one year Bible & most of the time, the scriptures are good, but not necessarily relevant to me for that day (as far as what I am going through that day), but Monday 8/15 was an exception to that rule.  

"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out, so that you will not give in to it." 1 Corinthians 10:13 (Temptatation - of  doubting His promise - of doubtfulness). Thank you God ~ for that verse.

Then in Psalm (again) -

"I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His Praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are discouraged take heart. Come let us tell of the Lord's greatness; let us exalt His name together. I prayed to the Lord, and He answered me, freeing me from all my fears. Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces. I cried out to the Lord in my suffering, and He heard me. He set me free from my fears. For the angel of the Lord guards all who fear Him, and He rescues them. Taste and see that the Lord is good. Oh, the joys of those who trust in Him. Let the Lord's people show Him reverence, for those who honor Him will have all they need. Even strong young lions sometimes go hungry, but those who trust in the Lord will never lack any good thing." Psalm 34:1-10

Trust, Trust, Trust... in His Promise - in His promise to me. My focus was lacking over the weekend, but God's word pulled me back to where I needed to be. Seeing His promise for my life.

That the God of the universe is watching over me - holding my right hand - giving me peace. That He is showing me His presence every moment of the day and night. What an awesome & humbling feeling!

8/11/11 - Joy, Thankfulness and Waiting Patiently...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

To begin with, I must tell you - joy & thankfulness usually come pretty easily for me. Waiting patiently...not so much.

I have had several times this week that I have seen first hand - all three of these in my life.

I am thankful for a daughter who went with me to Chemo yesterday and waited patiently while they filled her mother with chemo drugs and Benadryl, for getting me my request for lunch, for driving me home & letting me, with the little strength I had left - go immediately to the bedroom to sleep off the effects of the Benadryl and while I was sleeping - washed my dishes and cleaned my kitchen. And the joy I felt when I finally woke up & walked into a kitchen that had been cleaned, while I slept.

I am thankful for a Doctor, that in his wisdom, had me wait (wait patiently?) for an extra week to do my next round of Chemo - sure that my white count would go up & the joy I felt when miraculously, it did and I was able to take my treatment yesterday.

I am thankful and hopeful that I am half way through with treatment. He thinks that 4 more will be enough. So I wait patiently to find out if that is true and will be full of joy, if it is.

I am thankful for mechanics who know what they are doing. Steve's truck was in the shop all last week, while we waited patiently for them to fix it and find out the cost of the repairs. Thankful that we have 2 vehicles & that he could drive mine to work. And joyful when we found out that instead of $1000.00 + like we thought it would cost (mechanic's first estimate) - it was only $500.00. A big chunk of medical bills can be paid with an extra $500.00.

On a Biblical note: On the morning that Steve called to tell me that the bill on the truck would be $1000.00 +, in my quiet time a little later that morning - this was one of the scriptures for the day ( Jesus Calling - Aug 5th)

"Be still in the presence of the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm 37:7

I thought - what would I be waiting for? What plan could God have for this day - for this problem?? Then a few hours later, Steve called back & said they found out the problem wasn't what they first thought and the bill would be around $500.00 instead of $1000.00. Wait Patiently? Hummmm... There was joy  in that moment...

I'm thankful for the rain this week - even though our electricity went off twice for 2 1/2 hours each time. Sitting in the dark, in the silence of no fans, no a/c, no electrical appliances turning on & off, no TV or radio, you wait patiently, with just your thoughts. And then the joy when things come back on & you have your "old life" back again.

Several weeks ago, a friend gave me a book called "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. I've really just started reading it, but in it, the author talks about joy & thankfulness and how our joy & thankfulness in life are tied into our salvation. 

Here are the lines that struck me: "Our salvation in Christ is real, yet the completeness of that salvation is not fully realized in a life, until the life realizes the need to give thanks. In everything? I would never experience the fullness of my salvation until I experience the fullness of my thanks every day, and thankfulness is elemental to living the saved life."

I am learning that our joy is not in getting all the things done on our "bucket list" before we are gone, but in every day things that God gives us. The joy of a sunny day or a rainy day, the joy of a clean kitchen, cleaned with love, the joy of being able to take a treatment that will make me whole again, the joy of having a mechanic you trust.

And with that joy comes thankfulness for each new day, for good things & bad, for learning experiences, for being able to live a fuller life of thankfulness and joy and learning to wait patiently for all these things to happen in God's time, in His plan.

Waiting patiently is not my best quality, not my strong suit, but I am learning, if I just let go, God will take care of it all, of everything I am concerned with, with all my trials, all my problems.

Joy & Thankfulness ... check

Waiting Patiently ... lesson (almost) learned.

8/2/11 - A New Me From Head to Toes and Update From Dr. Visit on 8/3/11

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Tuesday, August 1-

On Friday, we are to have pictures taken for the Church Directory. I didn't want my photo in this directory to be with me wearing one of my scarves ~ (I did not want people 25 years from now looking at this directory & remembering that was the summer of my bout with cancer - and yes...I still have the directory with the picture we had made - before Sara was born...so yes...people do keep them that long!), so I had to go in search of a wig that would work. 

Several friends have brought some for me to borrow, but I have found that the scarves work well for me & have not needed the wigs, plus the ones that I have been given were not really "me". So yesterday my sweet daughter took off work to help me in this quest & then we were getting pedicures, but more on that later.

We went to the Cancer Society office on Meridian. I was hoping to find one there, but have had others tell me that they didn't have a very good selection, not many blond wigs, so I was not confident that we would find one. Our alternative plan was to go to Norman - the Norman hospital has put in a new "store" for cancer patients, that is run mostly by volunteers that are cancer survivors. They have wigs & other things and all is free, just like the place here on Meridian (The place here in OKC will also help with insurance problems, etc. which I did not know until yesterday...also good to know).

So we go to the office & walk in...and they take us to the back room where the wigs are...Now my plan was to try on several - have fun with them...have Sara take pictures of all the different styles/colors that I tried on (I was hoping for a "Cher" look ~ for one of them :) and then see if they actually had one that would work for me (my hopes weren't very high about that). 

Well. we walk into the room & the first one that Sara & I both spot is almost my color...almost my length AND the part is even on the correct side!! Needless to say...I totally forgot about trying on others...I was fixated on this one...couldn't believe that it was so close to my actual hair...so...unfortunately, we do not have the wig style show that I was hoping for. Sorry. Neither of us thought about it, until we had already left the office. :(

But we do have photos of the wig I picked out to use for the directory pics on Friday. I probably won't wear it any other time, since they are so hot, plus the scarves work great for me.

It does need a little trim on the bangs & the length, but I was very happy with our selection and also with the fact that we didn't have to drive all the way to Norman. A friend of Sara's works there, too, which made it even better. They were very helpful & friendly and it made the whole experience much nicer. They also gave me a tip on using a cut off t-shirt as a scarf. It's a great idea & something I will try soon.

Then it was off to the mall for lunch and then a pedicure - get it? "a new me from head to toes". :)

Here is the reason for the pedicure...when I first got sick, a sweet friend of Sara's - Abby Jeffers sent me a get well card with a hand drawn "gift card" inside ~ for a pedicure, whenever I felt up to it. Abby is one of God's special angels here on earth... at the time that she sent me the card, she was taking care of a dear friend of her's, who was close to my age, who also had cancer. Abby was traveling with her for treatments & living in her house with her family and spending pretty much all her time with this sweet friend. A couple of months ago, her friend Jackie went to sleep & woke up with Jesus. I know Abby & Jackie's family are still grieving the loss of this wonderful woman, but during the time that she was giving all her energy to Jackie & her family, she still had time to think of me...draw this sweet gift card and give Sara money for my pedicure.

So yesterday we got those pedicures...Sara had me get the "deluxe" pedicure, which was wonderful...I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it!! A long, wonderful - foot & leg massage, pretty pink toenail polish and time spent with my daughter. A perfect day! 

So THANK YOU! THANK YOU! Abby...it was the best gift you could have given me. AND...THANK YOU! THANK YOU! to Sara for taking off work, for driving me to get the wig, to the mall for lunch & pedicures and for driving me to get my other errands done. It was a great day!!

I am new from head to toes!

**************************************************

Now for new info about the treatments, etc:

I went last Wed. for a CT scan. Dr. Parker said that would be enough for him to tell how things were going. He will do a PET Scan, when he thinks we are all finished.

I do not know the results of the CT scan yet, but have a Dr. appt with him in the morning at 10:00 and then am scheduled for 4th Chemo treatment right after that (if all goes well with my white blood count and we are able to do the 4th treatment). So we will find out in the morning what the CT scan showed & possibly how many more treatments I will have to have.

I will tell you...I am nervous. God gave me a promise, early on, that all would be well with me & I would come out of this whole & healthy, but the longer the treatments continue, the fewer "good" days I have. I know in my heart that He is faithful, but my mind & body (and I'm sure - the "great deceiver") sometime deceive me into believing that I will not get well. I call on the name of Jesus when these times come & I have peace again, but they rear their ugly heads over & over again. 

But God continues to answer my prayers through His Word & this is what I read this morning: 

"God is not like people, who lie; He is not a human, who changes his mind. Whatever He promises, He does; He speaks and it is done." Numbers 23:19

And a couple of days ago I read this, which I have read & said, hundreds of times, but this interpretation  really caught my mind:

"The Lord is my shepherd; 

I have everything I need. 

He lets me rest in green meadows;

He leads me beside peaceful streams.

He renews my strength.

He guides me along right paths,

bringing honor to His name.

Even when I walk through the darkest valley,

I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies.

You welcome me as a guest,

Anointing my head with oil.

My cup overflows with blessings.

Surely your goodness and unfailing love

will pursue me all the days of my life,

and I will live in the house of the Lord

forever." Psalm 23:1-6

Please pray for the Dr. Appt. tomorrow ~ that we will receive good news about the CT scan, that my white count is up, so I can have treatment, that the treatment goes well and that I will be finished with these soon.


UPDATE ~   Wednesday 8/3 - Good news & Bad News from the Dr. visit


Well, we got good news & bad news. Bad news is that my white cell count was down to 800 (lowest it has been), so he wants me to wait a week & try to do chemo then. He thinks if we wait a week, my body will kind of boost itself back up, since I will have been off the chemo for a month. Good news is the lymph nodes are shrinking! The largest ones are shrinking & the smaller ones have not changed (which is good, I guess - since they haven't gotten bigger). He was happy with the report. BUT, he thinks we will have to do 8 total ~ instead of 6, like I was hoping for. If we have to do more, he will do some changes to my chemo drugs, but he seems hopeful that 8 will be enough. Whatever we have to do, I am thankful for good report today & thankful for prayers. :)

7/23/11 - Blood Work, Doctor's Appt, Chemo #3 and the Following Week - Some Good Days, Some Bad

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Wednesday - 7/13

Blood work today, then Dr. appt. He had some good news & some bad news. Good news is that the swelling around the lymphoma in my neck is getting smaller, so I guess things are working. The bad news is that my white blood count was 850, which I guess is pretty low, even for me. For those of you who don't know (and I didn't until I started all this)...normally your white blood count is between 5,000-10,000. Mine has been staying around 1000 or close to it, this is apparently normal for chemo patients (or at least for me). 

Today mine was too low for me to have the Chemo on Thursday. Couldn't get Dr. visit & chemo done on the same day - he was too booked up, so we had to shift my schedule from Wednesday to Thursday (which threw the rest of my week off, as you will see later on).

He said what he wanted was for me to come in on Thursday morning, before my chemo time & do the blood work again, just to see if numbers had gone up. OK, not sure what the point of this would be...how can things change that much overnight??, but like the dutiful patient, I said I would come in 30 minutes early (8:30 am)  :(  to do the blood work again. If the count did not go up on Thursday morning, he would bump me back a week & try the following week. So...I am already a day off my schedule, now it looks like I will be a week off my schedule...

I went to church Wednesday night & several people ask about the treatment & I told them my sad story... They all said they would pray about the blood count... and that night I prayed for the count to be up. I also prayed the next morning for the count to be up, not really thinking that overnight would make any difference...

Thursday - 7/14 - Chemo #3

I went into the office on Thursday morning & did the blood work and waited for the nurse to tell me to go home...but then she came out & said that it was up to 9.9 (I guess - apprx 990), so Dr. Parker said I was "good to go" with the chemo! I was shocked! As I sat in the chair waiting for someone to come & once again, jab a needle in my arm for the IV, I started thinking about what had happened. Friends prayed, I prayed and God answered...and yet I was surprised! It was actually kind of funny. I think I have a lot of faith in most things I do, but for the tedious, everyday things, sometimes I forget what faith (and prayer) can do.

"Keep walking with Me along the path I have chosen for you. Your desire to live close to me is a delight to My heart. I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you. Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain. The journey is arduous at times and you are weak. Someday you will dance light footed on the high peaks; but for now, your walk is often plodding and heavy. All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction. Though the path is difficult and the scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around the bend. Stay on the path I have selected for you. It is truly the path of life". (Jesus Calling - Thursday, July 14)

Friday - 7/15 

Pretty good day today. Feeling pretty good...since treatment was Thursday instead of Wednesday - tomorrow (the dreaded "3rd Day") may not be such a good day, but we'll see. It seems like the more treatments I do, the less "good" days I have.

Just a note:

The 2nd week after the 1st treatment - I felt really good...had more energy than I have had in a long time (that's one of the reasons I think I may have had this longer than anyone knew).

But the more treatments I take & the more chemo that is in my body, the more "not good" days I have...not terrible days... just not feeling great. Another ache or pain...less energy, etc. I guess that's just part of all this, though.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34  ~ One of the scriptures from my "Jesus Calling" book for today...appropriate??...I think so. Because I didn't have any idea what was coming on Saturday...

Saturday - 7/16

Saturday began like most days, which I was thankful for. This was the dreaded "3rd day" after chemo, which typically is a very bad day. I got up later than usual & a friend from church, Miss Patty, called to say she was bringing food for us. She would be dropping it off late morning, so we would have it whenever we needed it that day. Thank you, Patty. :)

I went to the kitchen to clean just a little & since I got up late & didn't start out on my normal daily ritual, I didn't make coffee.

The significance & the importance of the coffee making is, the first few days after chemo, I have my steroid pills sitting by my coffee pot, so I remember to take them in the mornings when I make my coffee...sounds simple, huh?

I take them for 5 days starting the day of chemo & I always take them in the morning, because on the day of my treatment, I take them when I start my chemo, so each day, I take them about the same time (this will have a bearing on the later part of my day - if you will indulge me).

So the morning rolled on...(Patty brought homemade Chicken soup ~ what could be better?? ~ Thank you Patty) ~ and I went on with the rest of my morning, thinking that even though it was the dreaded "3rd day", maybe it wouldn't be too bad and I would escape without too much damage.

Early afternoon I was trying to catch up with some of my orders and just couldn't keep my eyes open, so I decided to take a short 30 minute power nap. These usually work really well for me...I set the alarm for 20-30 minutes & when it goes off, I am up & feel fine. This was not the case that day...30 minutes, alarm went off, I hit the snooze button...over & over...just couldn't get my eyes to stay open. Finally deciding that I was defeated, I turn it off & just went to sleep. 5 1/2 hours later, I finally woke up & figured that I probably wouldn't sleep at all that night if I didn't get up, but just before I rolled out of bed...I remembered that I couldn't remember, if I had taken my steroid pills for that day or for the day before... 

Now this is NOT a huge problem...you just count how many you have...then figure out if you have taken them that day...that sounds simple enough...but not for my mind...not that day!! I flew out of bed & before I was in the living room...the meltdown had started...I went & got the bottle of pills...I couldn't count...I couldn't think & my brain had turned to mush!! And along with that- all of the tears that I had been pushing back, I guess, for all these months came with it. 

It was like a movie...me sobbing hysterically about pills and numbers and days I missed and what if I've missed more than one day & how can I make it up...and all the while Steve looking at me like a crazy woman had just walked in the room & taken over his wife's body!! He was saying, "calm down, let's just count them...it's ok...it's ok" and me sobbing & trying to talk and my brain in total denial that I could add from 1 to 10 or subtract the same.

It was a mini-series/soap opera all rolled into a 20 minute skit! In my mind, my world had totally come to an end, because I couldn't count my pills or tell how many I had taken or if I had missed one day or two.It was a very sad scene. :(

It took me another few minutes to actual focus on what he was saying - that I had just missed this day & that I could take them now & that everything was going to be fine...

For the rest of the evening...my weeping button had no shut off valve...commercials, tv shows, anything that came into my view or earshot was fair game for a good cry...A good old-fashion melt-down.

I guess when I look back at the last few months & put it all in perspective - I never broke down about this news of mine. Never. When the doctor told me the first day that I had lymphoma, I was so shocked that I didn't cry. Over the next few days, with telling others & making new Dr. appts...I was sad & depressed, I guess, but I never cried...

When I went to see the oncologist for the first time, I was so glad with the news that he gave me (easiest one to treat, easiest one to cure, doesn't matter if it's Stage I or Stage IV, all treated the same) - there was no need to cry...it just didn't happened...until Saturday... and then the floodgates were opened and 4 months of sadness poured out.

Now just to be clear...I am not sad about any of this, this journey that I have been going through...God gave me a promise, early on, that I would be well again, but I guess my brain had just stored up so much that it finally gave way & it all came pouring out...literally...over & over for the rest of the night...not about anything in particular, just weepy.

Later on, after this happened, I told my friend Pam about my melt down & she was surprised that this had been the first. I guess she's right...that's probably not the way most people handle news like this, but this had been my way to handle it from the beginning...just move on...and eventually it caught up with me!

Sunday - 7/17

So Saturday cleared and Sunday arrived on schedule - the world did not come to an end, because I missed the hour of my pill taking, but with Sunday's arrival, my body was lacking in energy & I just couldn't make it to church. So I slept late & when I got up, I got all my devotion books & Bible around me to begin my quiet time.

Since the whole of Saturday was turned upside down, I never did my quiet time that day. God, of course, knew my melt down was coming on that day & that I wouldn't be open to hearing what He had to say to me, so He saved it for me to read on Sunday morning. How much more significant it was to me on Sunday than it would have been on Saturday morning (before the whole melt-down thing...when I still thought I had it all together).

Here it is ~ from my "Jesus Calling" devotion book (Saturday 7/16) :

"Self-pity is a slimy, bottomless pit. Once you fall in, you tend to go deeper and deeper into the mire. As you slide down those slippery walls, you are well on your way to depression and the darkness is profound.

Your only hope is to look up and see the Light of My Presence shining down on you. Though the light looks dim from your perspective, deep in the pit, those rays of hope can reach you at any depth. While you focus on Me in trust, you rise ever so slowly out of the abyss of despair. Finally, you can reach up and grasp My hand. I will pull you out into the Light again. I will gently cleanse you, washing off the clinging mire. I will cover you with My righteousness and walk with you down the path of Life."

and one of the Bible verses for that day:

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again, my Savior and God."  Psalm 42:5

Amazing...isn't it?? and isn't He?? There is really nothing else I can add to that...

and here is a portion of Sunday's "Jesus Calling" -

"I have called you to follow Me on a solitary path, making time alone with Me is your highest priority and deepest Joy. It is a pathway largely unappreciated and often despised. However, you have chosen the better thing, which will never be taken away from you. Moreover, as you walk close to Me, I can bless others through you."

I hope that's true -  when I started writing this blog, I was doing it for me - to write down my feelings & thoughts and partly for others to be able to find out what I was going through physically - how I was feeling, good days & bad, just to be able to keep up with my progress.

But what has ended up happening, is, the more I write, the more God is teaching me & the more I am able to convey to the ones that read this - what God is doing for me. That has come to be the main purpose for this ~ not at all what I had in mind when I wrote my first entry.

Monday - 7/18

 Monday dawned and the long weekend was over. Was I wiser than before? I think so. Was I ready to begin again. Yes.

Bible verse for Monday:

"What is faith? It is the confident assurance that what we hope for is going to happen. It is the evidence of things we cannot yet see." Hebrews 11:1

Do I have faith everyday that I will be well? Do I have faith that God is walking with me through all of this? Do I have faith that if there is another episode like Saturday's melt down, that He is there to lift me out of it?

The answer to all of these is YES.

I may have more melt downs, I may have doubts, I may have times when I feel like I am doing this all alone, but there is always His hand to lift me up, if I will just look up for it.

This is what I have learned from the weekend...

If I can learn something from each new day, I know I will come out at the other end of this journey ~  a stronger, more centered person. That I will look more to Him for my strength, rather than trying to find it in myself and that I will be able to explained that to others, as they go through trying times.

"See God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." Isiah 12:2

Tuesday 7/19, Wednesday 7/20 & Thursday 7/21

Tuesday was spent getting orders ready & a bag packed to go to Tulsa on Wednesday & Thursday to babysit our sweet Emma. Her mother was out of town & her daddy was at a teachers conference both days, so they ask Steve & me to come & babysit during the day. Yes...I think we can manage that!!

What a joy that sweet baby girl is! She is a little over 2 months old now & is starting to focus on faces & to interact with those faces. Smiling & trying to talk. It was a wonderful 2 days and I was so glad that I felt like going, that I wasn't having a bad day/bad week. Even though it was tiring  (not having had to take care of a baby full time for 25 years), it was a sweet, peaceful two days.

I am so blessed with such a great family, beautiful new granddaughter, sweet friends, loving husband and people that I don't even know personally, all over the world, praying for me & wishing me well, everyday.

"Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34:5

7/9/11 - What I've Learned Since I've Been Sick...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

 

 

WHAT I'VE LEARNED SINCE I'VE BEEN SICK ~ 

OR - 

THERE MAY BAD DAYS & GOOD DAYS - BUT THEY ARE ALL "STILL HERE" DAYS ~

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The "bad" things I've learned since I've been sick:

1) The pain meds that they give you don't always work..

I have been dealing with back pain for almost 2 weeks. Had been taking the the pain meds that I had been told I could take for this (during the 1st treatment), but they just weren't working. So I called the Dr. again & he said that I wasn't taking enough! So he sent out a new prescription and those have been easing the pain somewhat, but it is still there every morning & sometimes through the day, if I don't keep on schedule with the pills.

 

2) When your hair starts to fall out, you might want to wait a couple of weeks before you shave your head...

My hair started falling out 2 1/2 weeks after the 1st treatment, so I figured that it would just continue to fall out. I figured the best thing to do would be to just shave it then & be done with it. Unfortunately, my hair had other plans. As soon as I shaved my head, the hair started to come back in - all over! I thought maybe after the 2nd treatment, the rest would fall out - so last Wed., I shaved it again...now 2 1/2 weeks after the 2nd treatment, my hair is growing in again! :(

I guess I will just continue to shave it, until I am finished with all the treatments, just in case it decides to start falling out again, but I'm thinking I may have made a hasty decision on the hair situation!

3) The Doctor's appointment time is different than MY appointment time...

Before the last Dr. appt, we waited ~ we waited 1 1/2 hours before I was taken to a room - to then wait another 15 minutes for him to come in. I know that Drs always have a different clock that they look at than patients do :), but waiting 1 1/2 hours in a hard back office chair, is not the way I like to spend my mornings!

 

4) Summer is hotter when you are on Chemo...

It's true ~ I didn't think I could be any hotter in the summer than I usually am - every summer, but it is possible for you to feel like your body temperature is around 120 degrees on a day that the temperature outside is 105! And it is also possible for your body temperature to feel like it is around 120 degrees, when you are in your own air-conditioned house! Hot flashes - and NOT from the change of life - been there - done that!  :(   Not fun!!

5) Everyday there is a new ache or pain...

I didn't know I had so many places to have aches, but every day is a new adventure in pain/ache, some not so bad, some very bad. Most are helped with the pain meds, but still a new ache/pain almost everyday - my right wrist, the back of my neck, my big toe...you get the picture...

"Listen to my voice each morning Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly". Psalm 5:31

 

Now for the "good" things I've learned since I've been sick:

1) You get a lot more hugs when you are sick...

Everywhere I go, when I see friends/family, I receive hugs & good wishes from them. It would be nice if we could all do that everyday with everyone we come in contact with. That certainly is something for me to strive for. It seems like we only feel close enough to do that to people when they have a problem...wouldn't it be nice to wish people well & give hugs when everyone is feeling good?? I plan to work on that.

2) You get a lot more "I love you's"...

Of course I know that you can't go around telling everyone you know "I love you" all the time...that might be a little creepy, but for family members to tell each other that, every time they see each other...well...I think that would be a great thing. 

My mother did not tell me that much, when I was little (although I know for sure that she felt it). As I got older, she was a little better at it, but it just wasn't what she had been brought up with. 

 

I told myself, that I would be better at saying "I love you" than my mother was... that when I had kids, I would tell them that I loved them, each time I saw them or talked to them. I have done that, I think. We never end a phone conversation or leave each other's sight, until we have said "I love you". It really is 2nd nature to me & to my kids and I hope they feel that love. That has started with other relatives now, since I've been sick & I hope that continues,too, even when I'm not sick anymore...even though I know and they know how we feel, it's nice to hear the words.

 

Steve & I teach 4 year old Sunday School with another couple & two weeks ago, when we were away from church that Sunday, our 4 year olds made me a "get well/I love you" card and they all signed it ~ (it's about 2 feet across)

Love those little kids!

3) You get food brought by friends/family when you're sick....

It is so nice to have home cooked or fast food to eat every day  - that you don't have to prepare yourself. Some days I feel ok, but lots of days I don't feel like fixing a meal, because I don't feel good enough or I'm not really hungry (hard to think about what to fix, when nothing sounds good to you). 

It has been such a blessing to have all the friends from church, other friends  & family members bringing food to us, especially on the days that Steve works late ( I hate for him to come home to an empty /no good food smell - kitchen). But to have the food waiting for him, when he walks in the door, has just been a wonderful thing. We have had so many great meals brought to us & I am so grateful for each & every one. 

My friend (of 43 years), Sherrie, told me last week that she was bringing some meals that she had cooked & frozen, so we could just take them out & heat them up. Well, she did just that...5 or 6 main meal entrees that can be split up into about 15 meals, 3 pies, 4 cakes, 2 loaves of bread & basketful of goodies for me - hats, puzzle, fun things, books, etc. etc. and a monetary gift too, to help with the medical bills!! Thank you, dear friend, you always go above & beyond!

We are so blessed to have these wonderful friends & family members that are taking care of us & I plan to do for others as they have done for us, once this whole ordeal is over.

4) When you are sick, you are very happy when you find a new scarf OR Matching is very important when you're bald!..

I had several scarves already, Sara brought me some, several friends have let me borrow some of theirs, but I have some clothes that I didn't have scarves to match. So last week on one of my "good" days, I went to Walmart looking for scarves. Found a couple to match some of my clothes - very excited! When you're bald, the only thing you have - is to be able to match your scarves with your clothes - "If you're going to be bald, at least you need to match." You feel more "put-together" somehow. Maybe if I were younger, that wouldn't be an issue, but for me it is important & makes me feel complete. So finding a couple of scarves in colors I didn't have  - that was a good thing!

5) Another thing I've learned since I've been sick - the wind doesn't bother you (well at least if you are sick & bald)...

I love Oklahoma, wouldn't live anywhere else (probably), but I have always hated the wind - spring, summer, fall or winter...the wind never stops blowing around here!!

That is not a problem for me now. When you wear a scarf, there is no hair to blow in your face or no hair to lose all the shape that you have just spent the last 30 minutes getting together. There is no hair - only a scarf! A really good thing!

 

6) You are much more aware of God & His power, when you are sick...

As I have written over & over in this blog, I am learning so much through all of this...God is teaching me everyday. Ultimately, I have to rely on Him for His healing...the doctors, drugs, nurses, chemo can only do so much. God is the Healer & He walks with me everyday & holds my right hand.

"Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you your heart's desire." Psalm 37:4

So there are good things & bad things that I have learned since I have been sick, but as you can see the good far outweighs the bad.

I will still have aches & pains, I will still have times that I will wait for the Dr., It will still be hotter when I go outside this summer...

 

but I will have more hugs, more prayers said for us, more "I love you's", more precious people to bring food, more times to enjoy friends & family, more times to get closer to my God & more times for Him to speak to me, show me & teach me.

All in all it has been an exciting journey so far & one that I will treasure with joy & thankfulness. When it is over, I hope I will remember & put into practice, the things that I have learned & be a better person for it. 

There are bad days & good days, but I have "still here" days every day & I rejoice in that.