10/17/11 - Everybody just calls me "Red"...

 "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning to dance in the rain."

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

All last week, after we heard the great news from Dr. Parker about my PET scan, I kept getting small messages from the Lord about speaking to the church on Sunday with my testimony of what He had done for us this week.

I checked with Pastor Henry yesterday morning before church, to see if I could (during church)  give my testimony of God's healing hand on me and we set that up.

I told my story of the last 7 months & especially about the last 2 months of no treatments & waiting to do scan & see Dr. for results. I also read the passages from Psalm 116, that I shared in the post last week.

Of course, after church, there were quite a few people that came up to tell us how happy they were about the news. It was a great & glorious day to be in God's house!

After church, Steve & I had lunch, then went to Micheals so I could pick up a few things. I was standing in one of the aisles, looking at some things & a young man - a teenager with bright red hair, that worked at Micheals, walked up. I looked up & he said, "Hi, how are you doing?". I told him I was doing fine, thinking he was just checking to see if I needed help finding anything. Then he said, "You don't know me, but I go to Northwest. I was in church this morning & heard what you said. You did really good." I looked up at this sweet face & told him, "thank you" and "what was his name?". He said "My name is Jason" (I think that's what he said) and then continued, "But everybody just calls me Red."

It was such a sweet thing for him to do, to make the effort to tell me that he liked what I said. It touched my heart & made my day. To think that I had really spoken, through God & His word, to a young teenage boy in our congregation.

I think God gives us things to do - if we disobey, sometimes we are punished, maybe not in the way that we know about it, but in ways that we will never know. If I had not been obedient to God's calling for my testimony, I would never have met this young man & found out that what I said made a difference to him.

If we obey, there is always a heart touching moment, somewhere down the line. Like standing in the aisle at Micheals, on a Sunday afternoon.

"I enable you not only to feel comforted but also to be a channel through whom I comfort others. Thus you are doubly blessed, because a living channel absorbs some of whatever flows through it." (Jesus Calling - October 16)

This has been an incredible week full of miracles for me...Sunday's encounter just finished off that great week. God is Good.

10/14/11 - Hallelujah, Hallelujah and Amen. God's Healing Hand...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

To begin this post, I must go back two months to my 4th (and last- until this week) chemo treatment. My 4th treatment was August 10. At that time Dr. Parker told us that I was probably looking at being half way finished. 4 more to go! Sounded good to me. He said at the beginning that we were probably looking at between 6-8 treatments about  3 weeks apart. The 3 weeks apart has not happened since the 1st treatment. Each month when I went to have my blood checked, my white count was getting lower & lower and treatment had to be put off an extra week. But thankfully during that week, it would come up. But when we got to treatment #5, everything changed. For three weeks in a row, my white count went down lower & lower. It has to be around 1000 for me to take the treatment. 1st week, it was at 650, 2nd week, it was at 575, 3rd week, it went up to 625, but was no where near where it had to be for treatment.

I was very discouraged. We were told that I would have to have a PET scan for him to determine what was going on, why my white count would not come up. He ordered the PET scan, but of course the ins co. takes their sweet time in approving, so we figured it would be 3 weeks before I could do that. Now we are looking at 6 weeks later - just to find out what was going on, then make decisions about new treatments, etc.

New treatments would mean that I would/could get sick from them (the treatments I have been on have not made me sick). Also my hair is coming back in & new treatments would mean that it might fall out again...all in all, new treatments would be like starting over, especially without any treatments for apprx. 2 months.

So we had the date planned that I would have the PET scan, if the insurance approved it. Tuesday, October 4 and see the Dr. for results on Wednesday, October 5th. Well, surprise, surprise - they called me from the lab the week before & Ins had approved a week early!! So we changed the date to Wednesday, September 28th with Dr. appt  on Friday the 30th. My luck- I got violently ill on Tuesday night before the PET scan on Wednesday. Throwing up & other things I won't mention here. Needless to say I was up all night with fever (100 degrees) and chills. If your temp reaches 101 - you have to call the Dr. & probably go to the hospital, but luckily, it never reached 101, so I just tried to make it through the night. In the morning, (Steve had stayed home with me), he called the Dr. office to let them know about this & find out what, if anything, we needed to do. The nurse told him that a lot of patients were coming/calling about a 12 hour stomach virus that was going around. I guess that's what it was. Of course, I didn't feel like having a PET scan that day, so Steve had her change it to the first available time, which was the next week - Wednesday , October 5th, but I wouldn't be able to see the Dr. for almost a week after that - he had no time slots. So that appt. was set up for Monday Oct. 10, exactly 2 months from the date of my last treatment.

PET scan went fine the next week. But then there was the waiting for almost another week to find out the results...

Exactly two months from my last treatment and almost 8 weeks with NO treatment, we went to his office to hear what the verdict was & where we would go from there. Have to have my spleen removed, if that was the reason for the white count not going up, if it was my spleen or my bone marrow, if we would have to start new treatments with new drugs...starting over.

We serve a great God! A healing God!! As Dr. Parker looked down through all the layers of the PET scan... after each section, he would say..."It says this section is clear." "Your neck is clear", "Your chest is clear", Your abdomen is clear"...on & on through the report!!!! ALL CLEAR!! We were all in tears... me, Steve & Sara. Could not believe the words we were hearing, although Sara was not as happy as I thought she would be. Later on she said, she always knew that everything would be alright, so she was not surprised when we found out the results. I had always felt that God would heal me, but with this brick wall that I was having to face all over again, I was discouraged & felt defeated.

Dr. Parker said that the only place I could still have the lymphoma was in my bone marrow, which doesn't really show up clearly on the PET scan, so to be sure, we did a blood test that morning, to see what my white count was. If my white count was still very low, that would mean that the lymphoma was still in my bone marrow, if the white count was up, it would probably mean that it was gone from there, too.They gave me the results in a just a few minutes after taking the test. My count was almost 2900!!! THREE times what it needed to be, to have Chemo & more than half way to the low end of normal!!

Dr. Parker wanted me to go ahead & take the other two treatments - to bring me up to 6, just to be sure that everything was gone. After that, I may need to do a bone marrow biopsy, just to make sure that is clear. Then a chemo treatment every 6 months for the next two years...and then we will see.

I took my 5th (finally) treatment the next day - on Tuesday. I will take another one (my 6th - and final) in 3 weeks, I hope, if my white count stays up, otherwise I may have to wait an extra week, like before. But that's ok, I can do that!

I walked out of the Dr. office on August 10, after chemo... still sick. I walked out of his office exactly 2 months later, (without any treatments during that time) - cancer free! God's healing hand is on me!!

In the morning, the day I  went to see Dr. Parker last week, I had my quiet time. In my little "Jesus Calling" Devotion Book - this was the message:

"Trust Me enough to let things happen without striving to predict or control them. Relax and refresh yourself in the Light of My everlasting Love.When you project yourself into the future, rehearsing what you will do or say, you are seeking to be self-sufficient: to be adequate without My help. The alternative is to live fully in the present, depending on Me each moment. Don't divide your life into things you can do by yourself and things that require My help. Instead, learn to rely on Me in every situation. This discipline will enable you to enjoy life more and to face each day confidently."

I was not doing that. All week I had been going round & round in my mind with the thoughts of  "What will I do if my spleen is involved? What will I do if it has to be removed? What if it's my bone marrow? What does that big picture look like? Are we dealing with more than we thought we were at the beginning?"

Then God said "Trust Me", so that is what I prayed before that Dr. appt. "Lord, I am trusting you for whatever happens today. That You will get me through this."    Trust...

Wednesday after chemo was a good day, I felt fine. Thursday (yesterday & today) not so much. Yesterday, I felt terrible - flu like symptoms, just like after the very 1st chemo treatment. But I do have my trusty little pain pills now, which help enormously!! Today is better, but still a little slow & achey. But that's ok, I can deal with the pain & the aches, knowing that I am on the road to recovery & survival!!

In my quiet time on Wednesday, day after treatment, two days after hearing my healing was at hand, I read a passage from James. God then drew my eyes over to the next page to verses from Psalm 116:1-9 and Psalm 116: 15-19 and this is what they say:

"I love the Lord because He hears and answers my prayers. Because He bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath! Death had its hands around my throat; the terror of the grave overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow. Then I called on the name of the Lord: "Please, Lord, save me!" How kind the Lord is! How good He is! So merciful, this God of ours! The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and then He saved me. Now I can rest again, for the Lord has been so good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord's Presence as I live here on earth! The Lord's loved ones are precious to Him; it grieves Him when they die. O Lord, I am your servant; yes, I am your servant, the son of your handmaid, and you have freed me from my bonds! I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving and call on the name of the Lord. I will keep my promises to the Lord in the presence of all His people, in the house of the Lord, in the heart of Jerusalem. Praise the Lord!"

There could not have been scriptures that were more meaningful to me that morning and He drew my eyes right to them!

He is a Great and Mighty God! And the Healer of my soul & body! And I will be thankful & full of joy for the rest of my life for what He has done for me! He has given me back my life, to be able to work for Him, to see my grandchildren grow and my children to become the people that He has determined that they will be. 

What more can anyone ever ask for??

10/6/11 - The Long Journey & the Road Ahead...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

It has been 3 weeks since I have posted, simply because I really had nothing to post. I have been living my life "day by day", as I posted the last time...waiting for tests to be approved & for the appointment dates to get here.

I did have a bit of good news 2 weeks ago, they approved my PET scan a week early, so the office called me & we changed the date from Tuesday, October 4, to Wednesday, September 28 (then to see the Dr. on Friday for the results). On the evening before (Tuesday, the 27th), I started feeling a little nauseous, so I went to bed early, but that didn't last...for the rest of the night I was up with all kinds of stomach problems...

throwing up and...other things. My temp got to 100 degrees, I was carefully maintaining that, because anytime it gets to 101, you are suppose to call the Dr. & probably have to go to the hospital. When your immune system is as low as mine is, you can get very sick, very quickly.

Luckily, mine never got over 100, but my body felt like it was closer to 110! I was freezing & burning up at the same time!

Needless to say, with no sleep & stomach problems that bad, I was not up to doing my PET scan the next day, so Steve called the nurse to change the appt., which she did. New appointment - Wednesday October 5, with new Dr. appt. the following Monday, October 10. (I would have been better off to have stayed with my original dates - then I could have seen the Dr. the very next day...but who knew??)

So I went for my PET scan yesterday...finally. It has been 2 months since I've had a treatment and I am ready to move forward with this & get finished. I will see the Dr. on Monday, so I am a little concerned with the results of the PET, but it is what it is & I will trust God to get me through whatever the results are.

I have been finding that the longer this goes on, the more I need to trust in a power higher than me. I have also found out a few other things on this journey of mine...

I have found God...not in the sense that He was not in my life before, but I have found Him as my Friend & my Comforter. I have found His Presence all around me everyday. I have been in battle with the father of lies on many occasions, feeding me doubts & fears and I have found that if I will call on the name of Jesus, those doubts & fears are replaced by Peace, Comfort, Joy & Thankfulness.

I have found the joy of just waking up in the morning to a new day.

I have found the pleasure of being able to get through a whole day of walking with my family (at the fair, shopping, etc), without really being in too much pain. And just to have the time to spend with them, brings me such joy & thankfulness.

For the last couple of weeks, I have felt really good...I feel a lot stronger & have a lot more energy. Maybe it's just that the chemo, being out of my system for so long, has given me back my strength. But I actually feel stronger & have more energy than I did a year ago! I really think I have had this lymphoma for a lot longer than a few months - now that I look back on the last couple of years and how I have felt. I always attributed the lack of energy & strength to being 60 years old & overweight, but I think it may have been more than that. So maybe since the chemo has been working & a lot of the lymphoma is gone from my body, I am getting back the strength & energy  that I haven't had for several years. That's my theory, anyway.

Each day is a new day for me to realize how much I have & how blessed I am. To live in the country I live in, to have the family & friends that I have, to wake up to cool temperatures & know that fall is here & the weather will soon change to cool/cold - all the time, the joy of seeing fall all around me - in the flowers, the pumpkins, the fall decorations and especially, as I do my quiet time each day - to know a God that loves me so much, He sent His Son to save me - long before I was even here.

This has been a long journey...and the road ahead is uncertain, but God has told me to live day-by-day and that is what I am doing. I am trying to make the most of everyday, enjoying everything around me...sights, smells, sounds...it is a beautiful world God has given us to enjoy & I intend to do just that.

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

9/21/11 - Day By Day...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

 

 

 

For those of you who read my post yesterday...here is the follow -up.

As I got ready to do my quiet time this morning, I began to pray that God would show me, direct me, give me the written words that I would be well again & that what I had been thinking all these months was not just me thinking it, but that it came from Him. In the middle of all this, I heard in my heart, in my head, these three words "Day by Day".

Ok... day by day...that is the answer that He is trying to show me. All of us only live "day by day" anyway. Even if I wasn't sick, I would still only live "day by day". Anything can happen to any of us, at any moment, to change our lives & our family's lives completely. We are not promised anything, but this moment, and sometimes not even that.

So I opened my devotion books to begin & here is a part of the devotion (Jesus Calling) for today:

 "Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can hear My still, small voice within you. I am speaking to you continually: words of Life...Peace...Love. Tune your heart to receive these messages of abundant blessing. Lay your requests before Me and wait in expectation."

These were the scriptures from the "Jesus Calling" book for today: (for the 1 Kings passage, I have added the verse before, too)

"Go out and stand before Me on the mountain", the Lord told him. And as Elijah stood there, the Lord passed by and a mighty windstorm hit the mountain. It was such a terrible blast that the rocks were torn loose, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  And after the earthquake there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire there was the sound of a gentle whisper." - 1 Kings 19:11-12

and this scripture:

"Listen to my voice in the morning, Lord. Each morning I bring my requests to you and wait expectantly." Matthew 5:3

and if that was not enough for me - several weeks ago I happened upon these verses - I stuck a piece of paper at this place in my Bible & wrote on it ~ "Prayer - Song of Thankfulness for restored health.", intending to go back & reread it, once I was well.

It just so happened that the Bible reading for today - for Sept 21 ~ is the passage that has my little piece of paper in it ~ this poem - written by King Hezekiah, once he was restored to health by God - It is long, so I will not write it here, but please read it for yourself ~ Isaiah 38:9-20

I guess God spoke to me today...and gave me my answer.

I will take my life ~ with sickness, problems, good days & bad...day by day...and that's really all any of us can do, isn't it?

9/20/11 - The Battle...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

 

 

 

Since last Tuesday when I went for the Dr. Appt. & he told me the bad news that my white count is still down...I have had a battle raging inside my head & heart...

I really felt that God had given me a promise early on - that He would make me healthy again...but this week, my head & heart are battling with thoughts that I am getting sicker & that I will not be well. That maybe I "talked" myself into believing that I had a promise from God.

I want to believe that it is "the great deceiver" that is causing my doubts & fears...but I am only human & don't have a direct line to God & His thoughts, so I don't know.

I keep hoping that I will read something in my quiet time this week, that shows me directly/specifically that God is in control of this disease, of my disease and that the promise that I thought I had, is real.

It has been a battle everyday this week to keep my outlook up, bright & positive. This may be my hardest battle so far...

I know that none of us are promised any length of time here...that everyone is just living  - one day at a time...

But I am having a very difficult time this week focusing on the positives & not "living" in the valley of negativity.

I have no Bible scriptures to share this time...I am not looking for someone to "cheer me up" and show me that God is in control & that He has this. In my head & my heart...I know all this, but since we were pretty much running on course for the last 4 months, with only tiny "bumps" in the road - a week set back for chemo here, a day set back there...we were still on track...now we are 7 weeks out from last treatment & at least 2 more weeks until the next one (if then) and I am in limbo right now - waiting for insurance co. to ok the PET scan, to see what is causing my problems and don't know if those problems can be fixed, once they determine what they are...it is a stressful time for me.

I feel like I am losing energy every day. The smallest thing that I do around the house - exhausts me. I am starting to cough more...which concerns me. My immune system is at the lowest point that it has ever been & I am tired of fighting. 

With pretty much any other illness - diabetes, heart disease, breast cancer, most other cancers, if they are caught in time, there is something that can be done. Diabetes & heart disease - change your eating habits, exercise more, less stress, etc. etc. Most cancers - just cut them out & move on. But with this disease I have, there is nothing I can do - no pill to take, no change in habits, no operation...Just waiting.

I am not good at not being in charge of things! I want to control the environment around me. Doesn't always happen, but I like it that way, if I can. I can't fix this, I can't change anything to make it better & I certainly can't change things the way they are now.

When I was on schedule for the treatments, I at least felt like I was "kind of" in charge...I was doing something about this problem & it was working. Now we have hit this GIANT bump in the road (more like a boulder than a bump) and I am thrown into the world of not being in charge of anything!

I don't know what the results of the PET scan will show - if it is my spleen or my bone marrow - then that is the problem & it should have a solution...but this is unknown territory, something that Dr. Parker doesn't deal with often, I guess, so everything is out of my hands.

I know God is in control of everything...but Satan is causing me to doubt my recovery.

I am battling everyday.

Please, all of you - friends & family, please know that I know the "Biblical" answers to this situation that I am dealing with, but I started this blog to inform family & friends about what I was going through medically & emotionally and to just be able to put down my feelings.

Well, here they are today...bad day...bad week. 

I love you all, but I really didn't write this for advise, just wanted you all to know what I was dealing with this week & ask for your prayers that I will get through these feelings.

9/13/11 - Faith...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Doctor's visit today was not a good one. After the 3rd try in as many weeks for my white count to raise...it didn't. It did come up from 550 last week to 600 this week, but that is a long way from 1000.

So the game plan has changed. He wants me to have another PET scan to see what is going on - ASAP.  (Of course that involves THREE WEEKS of waiting for the ins. co (BLUE CROSS - in case anyone wants to know) to approve  the PET scan. She has me tentatively down for October 4 for the PET scan & October 5 to see the Dr. again.

Here is what he said...in my round about, not knowing medical terms, what I heard him say - way.

The good news - ALL my others vitals are perfect - my red blood count is right where it should be & all the other things that they check & check for - are perfect...no problems with anything except the white count. 

So this is what he is thinking- one of 3 things... 

1) my spleen is the problem,  that I AM actually making white cells, but my spleen is holding on to them, which makes it look like the count is down  

OR

2) my bone marrow is just very sensitive to the chemo drugs that I am taking & it is not letting the white cells do what they are suppose to do  

OR

3) my lymph nodes are clear and my body doesn't know what to do with the chemo that is there - that it has nothing to fight.

Of course, my choice is for Door #3, but somehow with my track record, I don't think that is the answer...no matter how much I wish it were.

So with the new PET scan, he will be able to tell what is going on in my body & know where to go from there.

If it is my spleen, depending on how enlarged or involved it is, he will change my chemo drugs to something new & hope that that will work. If it is very involved -  he said we might have to remove it.

If the spleen is fine, then it is probably my bone marrow & to find out for sure about that, I will have to have a bone marrow biopsy (he had already said that he would do one of those when he thinks we are completely finished - after my lymph nodes are clear, just to make sure the bone marrow is completely clear, too), so it looks like I will be having at least two of those...not looking forward to that! If you do not know what they do for a bone marrow biopsy, here is the scoop (if you are squeamish - skip past this part). 

He will do it in his office - I will lie on the exam table & he will use a needle to go into my bone marrow & extract some, then with the same needle he will scrap a small piece of bone to examine. This is done on the side of your upper hip toward the back. When he told me about this before, I made a face I guess, about the pain and he said, "I will deaden it as much as possible, I promise!" and I thought, "Well, you can deaden my skin where the needle goes in...but you can't deaden the bone - and that is the ultimate target!"

I know this will be painful, but if that's what we have to do, then that's what we will do.

If the spleen is fine & my bone marrow is clear, then I guess that would be the 3rd option...the one I am not counting on, because I do not want to be disappointed - that the lymphoma is gone & I am on the road to recovery. Of course, that is my wish, my prayer, my hope, but I am not planning on that just yet, too much disappointment in that - this soon - if it doesn't happen. If that is it - well then PRAISE JESUS!

But all of this is several weeks away.

He did say that this is unusual- for the white count to be down this low, for so long, but that it did not mean I was getting sicker. (I ask). He said that it may just mean that I am more sensitive to the chemo than most people. (I always knew I was the sensitive one in the family)   :)

So that's where we are for now...in limbo...again, waiting for the insurance to "make sure" that I need a test that the Dr. says I have to have, before we can continue with chemo...gotta love those insurance companies! And from what I understand - Blue Cross is one of the only ones that takes SOOO long! Of course, again... my luck that this would be my insurance company!

But even though my body is not doing what I want it to, I still don't feel bad. I am achy in the mornings when I first get up, but I take my pain pills & then I am good until late afternoon. I am not & never have been, nauseous. My hair is growing back. I still have my appetite (although I lost 4 pounds since I was in there two weeks ago). So all in all, I am doing pretty well, but this problem with the white count is really getting me down. I know by tomorrow or the next day, I will be fine again, but I need some time to process what he said & what I am feeling & what the outlook is for me.

On my way home from the Dr., I was very upset & pretty depressed & I was just praying that God would show me the answer...the promise that He gave...give me back my hope & get me out of this low, very low mood.

When I got home, I started my quiet time with my devotion books & my year-Bible.The first two- "Jesus Calling" and the Beth Moore devotion books were pretty generic for today -good, but not really the "answer" I was looking for, but the "Moments of Peace for the Morning" was spot on.

"Fully Assured"

"Here is the definition of faith for you to live by today - being completely assured of what you hope for and absolutely certain of what you do not see. Though everything around you goes against that hope, you have complete confidence in God.

You believe in God and that He can do the impossible. Perhaps the lingering question is, will He? Does God love you enough to help you?

The answer is absolutely yes. Even though God has shown His love for you in Christ, you still must accept His love by faith, fully assured that He will not fail you.

Therefore, have strong faith today in the wonderful God who loves you."

and the prayer:

"Dear God, not only do I believe you exist and can do anything, but also I completely trust that you love me enough to help me. Amen."

******************************************

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy! I look to you for protection. I will hide beneath the shadow of your wings until this violent storm is past." Psalm 57:1

Well, I got my answer...the answer to my prayer.

I don't know why I am having to deal with more set-backs, more disappointments, but God does. He allows these things to happen, but then shows me a way to survive through them.

I am becoming stronger through this and maybe that's the reason, maybe that's the point. When I learn things or realize new things, I pass them on to you & others and maybe someone else needs to hear this, read this today.

I want to be finished with this journey more than anything, but right now, that is not possible. So I will continue to plod along, making my way through this and learning something new everyday.

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in Him and not be afraid. The Lord God is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation." Isaiah 12:2

9/8/11 - Trust and Obey...

"Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass but learning to dance in the rain."

Yesterday was a very bad day. 2nd week in a row that I couldn't do Chemo because my white count was too low. (This is the 4th time this has happened). When it happened last week and the other two times before that, I was a little disappointed, but...no big deal, really. Yesterday was a different matter.

First of all let me explain what you go through to get to the point of chemo day. It is not just one day - you plan your month around that day - because:

(1)  The 3rd day after chemo is my worst day, so I have to make sure nothing serious is going on that day, since I usually don't feel like doing anything.

(2)  10 days from chemo day is your "low immune" day, when you can't leave the house, except to do blood work, so that has to be planned out.

(3)   I usually have some pretty good days (the 2nd week after) and some pretty bad days (the 3rd, 4th & 5th days after).

So really the whole month is planned around the "chemo day". Plus you psych yourself up for the treatment day, plan your activities around that day (knowing that you won't be able to do anything else but treatment), you go in for blood work (usually early - at least for me), see the Dr (sometimes) and then have treatment - if you can't do the treatment - it throws your whole schedule off for that day. And you get further & further behind on treatments.

So when I found out yesterday that my white count was too low - again - I was...very discouraged, very depressed, very weepy...all in all...very sad.

Dr. Parker's nurse came into the chemo room yesterday to tell me that ...again...white count too low. Of course she said there was nothing I could do (nothing I could eat, nothing I could drink, no pills to take) to help this situation, this was not affecting my treatments, this was not a set-back as far as treating the cancer, that it was pretty normal & that it can be fixed, either by taking the drug out (next time) that is causing me to hang on to the chemo or with a shot (in the stomach) at the end of the next treatment to help with this problem and that I would have to come in next week, do blood work, talk to the Dr. & then hopefully do the chemo.

Sounds easy, huh? No problem...a small set-back... a bump in the road of treatment...

Not yesterday...last straw, one that broke the camel's back...bla...bla...bla...

It was just too much yesterday. I felt defeated, I felt depressed, I felt like this was my fault, because my body wouldn't cooperate, I felt like I was not going to get better.

And yes, I know, none of this was rational, but for most of the time since I started this journey - I have felt pretty good - really good - compared to some people that are going through the same thing. I don't look sick. Most of the time, I don't feel sick and except for the scarf - no one would know that I am going through chemo treatments and have been for 4 months...sometimes I forget myself. I have really pretty much breezed through this - do blood work, see the Dr., do the treatments, go home, live my life for 3 weeks, then do it all over again. But for the last few weeks that has been changing - treatments are harder & harder to do...my body is not doing what it is suppose to...I am slipping further & further behind.

So yesterday was a bad day ~ full of tears, sadness, sorrow, depression and feeling like God's promise (that I would be well) was maybe something I just made up in my own head, at the beginning of this, to make me feel better.

I went to bed last night & prayed that God would help me through this, that He would show me the promise that I felt like He gave me, that I would feel His presence again. (I had felt for the last several weeks, that I was slipping away from His presence, even though I was doing my quiet time every morning...I could not focus on the words, I could not pray, I could not feel His presence...) I think partly that was because, everything was going along pretty good, no bumps in the road, no major changes to my health - a few small set-backs, but nothing I couldn't handle...until yesterday.

This morning when I woke up, before I got out of bed, I had a song running through my head (that happens sometime when God wants me to hear Him). "Trust and Obey" - "for there's no other way - to be happy in Jesus - but to Trust and Obey."

I got up with a longing to do my quiet time, that I had not had in several weeks, to hear His Word, to hear from Him what He wanted me to know.

I have never had a book like my little "Jesus Calling" book. I have written about it so many times on this blog. I am always amazed, each time it happens, how relevant it is to my life that day...You would think I would get it eventually...that God is talking to me through this little book, but I am continually amazed, none the less...I guess I am just a little dense. :)

Here is the devotion for today - Sept. 8th: (I have underlined the words that spoke the most to my needs - yesterday and today) -

"Accept each day exactly as it comes to you. By that, I mean not only the circumstances of your day, but also the condition of your body. Your assignment is to trust Me absolutely, resting in My sovereignty and faithfulness.

On some days, your circumstances and your physical condition feel out of balance: The demands on you seem far greater than your strength. Days like that present a choice between two alternatives - giving up or relying on Me. Even if you wrongly choose the first alternative, I will not reject you. You can turn to Me at any point, and I will help you crawl out of the mire of discouragement. I will infuse My strength into you moment by moment, giving you all that you need for this day. Trust Me, by relying on My empowering Presence."

Trust and Obey... - I slipped away for a while, because I did not have an urgency for God's Presence...Even though I am in the middle of chemo treatments (which for some people would be a devastating experience)...my life was, for several weeks, uneventful. He pulled me back, thankfully, when I needed Him most - yesterday...a very low day.

Two Bible verses for today:

"Why am I discouraged? Why so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise Him again - my Savior and my God!" - Psalm 42:5

and

"For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing."  - Jeremiah 31:35

I had lost my joy, my thankfulness, my peace and my hope (or at least had misplaced them). God has returned them to me ~ overflowing.

I know there are some who read this, that are in need today - of what I was needing. I hope that God has spoken to you today, too. Because in my other devotion book today, the message was entitled "Write It Down"  - Here is a small part of that:

"There is something about seeing His words to you formed on paper (or blog - (my add-on)) that somehow makes them more real - more possible. You document God's personal promises to you and the certainty of them gives you peace. And if you ever begin to doubt, you can always go back and read them again.

This morning, write down what you learn during your time alone with God. He will certainly bless you through it."

"Then the Lord replied: "Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets." - Habakkuk 2:2

and 

"Write the things down you have seen and the things which are and the things which will take place after these things." - Revelations 1:19

I have not written for a while, because my days have been pretty much the same and because God has not given me things to write about. Today there are many things to write about. God has given me promises, peace, joy, hope and thankfulness through His Word. 

I am truly thankful.